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Keith G. Alderman

  • Last Ditch Effort


    Last Ditch Effort

    Chapter 17

    “Herbert!” Aaron cried. “What are you thinking?” 

    Herbert dropped from Aaron’s hands. “Do you want to save my Dad and end this or not?” 

    Aaron dropped his hands to his sides. His mouth fell open when he looked at Herbert. He looked and sounded like a general on the edge of battle. 

    “Mom is doing what she needs to do,” Herbert declared. “They’ll get the police. But I’m not missing the chance to save Dad. All I wanted was to get out of this house, but now—” Herbert gazed across the garage at the frozen trolls. His eyes met Aaron’s, full of collected anger.

    Aaron clenched his jaw. “Sometimes you gotta risk everything to get everyone,” he whispered. “Let’s do it.”

    In silence, the boys mounted up their strength on the verge of hell. Theirs was a rescue mission, and absolute monstrosities awaited them. Though they had no idea how bad it was about to get. 

    Aaron rolled his head back on his shoulders and closed his eyes. His mouth made a small opening, like he were whistling. He exhaled through it and leaned on his toes, wincing in pain and grabbing his side.

    “How is it?”

    “It really hurts,” Aaron replied, rubbing his ribcage. “Those stupid trolls did a number on me. But I’ll be alright. What’s your plan to get out of here?” He asked. “Nothing makes sense and we can’t use the doors. I’m not about to wander through monster dens hoping to find the way.”

    “The door in my room never disappeared,” Herbert replied. “I regretted it at the time, but—thank God, I didn’t close it when I went through. It leads to the dungeon. There was a lot of stuff to tie someone up and torture them. I think that’s where my Dad is.”

    “But how do we get to your bedroom?” Aaron asked.

    Herbert walked to his father’s car. A rope was curled on the hood, hanging out of the black vent overhead. “With this!” Herbert lifted it. “I threw it down after I came through my bedroom.”

    Aaron leaned over the hood and peered up the dark hole. “Where does it go?” 

    “A kitchen,” Herbert continued. “Not ours. Theirs. But it should lead to my bedroom.”

    “How do you know?” 

    “I don’t have a better plan.” 

    Aaron stared up the dingy tunnel. He shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Okay,” he sighed. He climbed onto the hood of the car and grabbed the rope. He pulled it and it went taut. In resolute silence, he reached up and propelled himself into the tunnel. 

    Seeing Aaron disappear took Herbert aback. His stomach turned a little, but then he remembered he was brave now. He climbed onto the hood with the grace of a fawn on a frozen lake. He fumbled and looked up for Aaron. 

    Aaron’s body flailed above and disappeared into the vent. The shadows smothered all of him up, but his angry mumbles floating down into the garage.

    “You coming, butthead?” He hollered, and Herbert smirked. 

    With splintered fingers and painful pulls, Herbert climbed to the vent. In the darkness, he found Aaron wedged between the sides of the aluminum tunnel. Herbert imitated him, and it took the weight off his hands and arms. 

    The boys scooted up the shaft, holding the rope and wedging their bodies as counterweights. They didn’t say much to one another except things like “are you alright?”, “you still there?”, and “how long does this stupid thing go?”. 

    It was uncomfortable, to say the least. Sweat dripped from their noses. Dust and dirt covered their hands and smeared their faces when they wiped the wet hair from their eyes. The dust gathered wet clumps of nasty soot on their faces that got caught in the corners of their eyes and mouths. It tasted dry and powdery, and made them spit a fit. But after a while, it was too much work to gripe and spit, so they learned to hold their mouths wider and try not to swallow any of the stuff that collected on the ends of their tongues. 

    They couldn’t see anything except the little light that peeked around Herbert’s body from below and a sliver of yellow light above them where the rope came through. Without those, the boys would have thought they were deep underground, below a cavern, hanging over some dangerous cliff, and on their climb out. Herbert wondered if all rescuers have to go through something like this to get to those they need to help. Aaron wondered if this was what babies felt like when being born. 

    The boys neared the shrivel of light. The door to the dumbwaiter shaft had been closed by someone, but the rope pinched in the opening and let the crack of light through. Aaron didn’t know about the chef or beast in the kitchen, but he didn’t trust any part of the house were safe. He paused underneath the cracked door and leaned his back flat against the shaft. His spine cracked and his forearms shook. He let go of the rope and pushed his wet hair behind his ears. 

    Music was coming through the wall from the kitchen. It was a crackly old recording of a woman singing over horns, piano, bass, and drums about Georgia being on her mind. The low bass rattled the aluminum walls on every fourth note, and the woman’s voice sounded sad and happy at the same time. The style of music was one of those that fancy grown-ups like to listen to at expensive dinners and parties. Aaron imagined it coming from a record player like his grandfather, Mr. Mewbourn’s. 

    The dumbwaiter door flung open above his head. Light and music gushed down the shaft. Aaron closed his blinded eyes and bowed his head. Someone above him made a gruff sound and threw a ham bone onto Aaron’s head. It fell down his side and rolled onto Herbert and down the rest of the dank shaft. 

    Aaron looked at Herbert, looking up at him. He was covered in black globules of dirt and dust. His eyes were red, and his hair matted against his forehead and cheeks. 

    “Eh!” A voice cried from above. “What’s this?” The boys looked up, afraid they were discovered. Another voice replied something. “Well, it’s hanging down this shaft, you dimwit!” The first voice hollered. Then the second replied again. “Yeah, I bet, you stupid fool.” 

    The boys guessed they were talking about the rope. They eyed one another and Herbert awkwardly shrugged, like you can imagine someone who is hanging from a rope and wedged between two close pieces of metal would. 

    The boys heard another loud voice and a knife sawing paper. It was someone cutting the rope. It zipped down the shaft, and Herbert slipped as it flew. Aaron reached his hand in the nick of time and grabbed his collar. It gave him enough of a moment to prop his body against the shaft and let go of the falling rope. 

    The boys stared at each other like their life depended on it. Herbert’s heart raced and his face was shaking. Aaron reached his hand under Herbert’s armpit and pulled to help balance him, gasping for breath, feeling like his ribs were about to snap in half. Herbert nodded his head at Aaron and breathed easier. 

    Aaron looked up the shaft. The rope was gone, but the door was left open. He slid his foot up four inches and rotated his opposite shoulder with it. Then his other foot, and the other shoulder. Herbert imitated him again, and they made the rest of the way to the open door. Aaron’s hand gripped the bottom edge of the opening and pulled his head over the gap. He peered into the kitchen to see a feast for a party.  


  • Farewell Florida

    Farewell, my Florida, 
    My damsel of grace and beauty.
    I’m sorry to leave you,

    In hands that seem unworthy.
    But my heart is drawn far from your gallant rivers and beach,
    And into the mountains where I must find a new life and peace.
    I’ll look to the memories when you held me close;
    In your stillness you whispered my name.
    Clutched me at my darkest hour;
    Comforted me with your wild ways.

    I love your forests of Ocala, the spring of Hidden Pond,
    Your history of Augustine, the trails of Little Big Econ.
    Under your moon, I’ve made my bed,
    But now I rise and leave what’s dead.
    Goodbye Rock Springs, Blue and Wekiwa,
    I laughed and bled in your showers,
    And now I’m so glad you made me stronger.
    Shark Valley cycling, Venice collecting on the breaks,
    Lost and scared in Windover Wood,

    Afraid I wouldn’t leave even if I could.

    I will lament Cricket’s song,

    And never forget Cicada’s hum.
    My soul will long,
    For Coyote’s cackle, Otter’s dance, and Bobcat’s treachery,
    My heart will wish,
    For Alligator’s gait, Ladyfish’s prance, and Moccasin’s slithering.
    Bass and Tarpon’s fight,
    Cichlid and Bream’s delight,
    They are memories of yesteryear,
    For my place is no longer here.
    Spider’s scurry, Sand Skink’s race,

    Tortoise’s lumber, Monarch’s face,
    Rabbit’s bounce, White-tail's trace.
    The dive of Anhinga and glory of Spoonbill,
    The hope of Starling and stature of Eagle.
    The chirp of Mockingbird, the song of Wren,
    The knock of Woodpecker; What once was ‘live is now dead.

    Farewell Florida, I’ll remember you always.
    You held me close as though I was your son,
    You never asked of me, and were never done.
    Under your shade,
    I wept so long,
    And under your grace,
    I became your love.

    Pines, oaks, palms and cypress,
    Maple, cedar, mango and ficus.
    But I must go,
    And it’s not really your fault,
    The same people who’ve hurt you,
    Have put me in the dark.
    I know we will see each other again one day,
    And I hope you stand strong without dismay.
    I hope we can laugh and cry,

    And ‘member our moments,
    That nothing will leave and die,

    Or extinguish our fondness.

    Farewell, my Florida, in all your glory,
    Remember I love you, and that I’m sorry.

  • Grief in the Mirror


    Grief in the Mirror

    Chapter 16

    Herbert’s legs fell from underneath him. His lips failed to form words for his wrestling thoughts. He stared at the concrete floor under his father’s sedan. A hand touched his shoulder and he knew it was Esther’s. Then his mother’s arms wrapped around his chest. The others were talking, but he couldn’t hear them. Marian was probably looking for a way out. Esther was probably deducing how to make it make sense. And Aaron was probably waiting for someone to tell him he could punch something. But Herbert didn’t care anymore. 

    “Herbert?” Mrs. Dolor’s soft voice hit his ear. “Herbert, look at me.” 

    Herbert’s stare broke, and he looked up at his mother. 

    “You loved her, didn’t you?” She gently smiled.

    Herbert’s chest convulsed under the pressure of guilt and grief. He closed his eyes, and a tear slipped over his cheek. 

    “Herbert, I need to teach you something, darling,” Mrs. Dolor was on her knees next to Herbert’s collapsed body. “I know you feel terrible. But you need to know what your friend did for you. There are those who die. And those who die for you. There is no greater love one can give than to die for those they care about. Starlight loved you. And she gave her life to protect you. Don’t ever forget that, or doubt it, or be ashamed of it. 

    “It’s not fair!” Herbert bawled. “It’s bull crap! And it’s your fault! It’s all of your faults.” Herbert pointed his finger around like a maniac at the others. “I wanted to save Dad. And you chose to come this way!”

    “I know, Herbert.” Mrs. Dolor closed her eyes and shook her head at a loss. 

    Herbert had a thought in his misery. “So if dying for someone is how we love them—let’s go save Dad. Now. All of us. And die trying.”

    Mrs. Dolor shook her head. “Herbert, you don’t get to make that decision.”

    “Why?” Herbert bit his bottom lip. “Why can’t I?” 

    The other children didn’t know what to do. They looked at the concrete slab for answers. 

    Mrs. Dolor took Herbert’s hand. “Herbert, listen to me.” She gazed into his eyes. 

    “No!” He screamed. “I don’t want to listen!” 

    Mrs. Dolor grabbed her son’s shoulders and pulled him close to her chest. She shushed through her clenched teeth as he resorted to sobbing and blubbering. Her arms clasped tight around him while his body flailed at unseen demons. He punched at the air and shook his head until he had no energy left in him.

    Time passed, and he calmed down in her arms enough to hear her whisper, “Grief is holy, Herbert. It has to happen in our lives. It will happen. Death is one of the only promises we have in this life.” She felt his body go limp in her arms and released her grip from him. Her arms pulled back, and she looked him in his red, watery eyes. “But, thankfully, it’s only temporary. The grief will fade. Death isn’t forever.”

    “I want to save Dad,” he whimpered. 

    “I know, Herbert.” She kissed his forehead. “But it’s not the right time, yet. I need to get you all out of here.” She surveyed the room and the other children before bringing her eyes back to Herbert. “Do you understand all that matters is I keep you safe now?” 

    He nodded his head and bowed it into her bosom again. 

    “C’mon, big boy,” she encouraged. “We can do this.” 

    He stood to his shaky feet under her support, and Aaron was at his side with his arm around himself. Marian and Esther waited with bated breath for him to stand on his own. They inched toward him. Esther held his hand and Marian hugged him from behind. 

    “We love you, Herbert.” 

    “I’m sorry about Starlight.” 

    “It’s going to be okay.” 

    Herbert took a deep breath and nodded his head. He wiped his face with his shirt and prepared to toughen. He put his head back, took a breath, and listened to what the others were discussing, gathering what he missed while grieving. Apparently, someone had broken the garage door earlier in the night and barred it shut.

    “With nuts and bolts,” Aaron said. 

    “Who did this?” Mrs. Dolor asked. She stared at the stripped head of a bolt driven through the door into the cinderblock. On the far side of the wall, a similar bolt secured the door shut.

    “We saw that goblin early in the night,” Esther offered. “He must have just finished when we saw him—”

    “So there’s no way out of this concrete cell,” Aaron said flatly.

    “There has to be,” Marian offered. 

    Aaron leaned against the Dolor sedan and looked up through the hole the raven had flown up. A rope dangled down from the black vent. He pulled on it and shrugged in confusion. “I wonder if we could fit up there,” he mused, quietly to himself.

    Esther stood still in the middle of the room and held her arm out. Her eyes peeled and her finger rose while she scanned every inch of the room from her spot, looking for ideas and tools to help. 

    Marian’s cheek puffed out while she wandered the room back and forth, waiting for inspiration to hit her. But the problem perplexed her. 

    Mrs. Dolor hurried around the edges of the room, looking for another way out of the garage. “Maybe we can get through that window,” she said to herself. Above her, on the exterior wall, was a small window vent on a latch, hidden behind a piece of plywood. “I just need to climb on this workbench…” The latch was rusted shut, but maybe she could pry it with that screwdriver.  

    “I won’t leave Dad,” Herbert grumbled.

    “Herbert,” Marian said, “we gotta go.”

    “C’mon, Herb,” Esther touched his shoulder. He looked at her. Her face was sweet and gentle as always, but he felt cold inside. 

    Mrs. Dolor pried at the window latch. She contorted her body and braced against the table under her for leverage. The latch snapped to the side. The screwdriver clanged on the ground. Mrs. Dolor swung the window open toward her, and the sound of rain rushed inside like humming bees and static. 

    “Okay, guys,” Mrs. Dolor sighed. She turned around, ready to help the children up and out. The Dolor children and Aaron stared at the ominous rain outside. The storm thundered and crashed, shook and bellowed like a monster. 

    “Mom, I’m scared,” Esther whimpered. “What if they are out there, too?” 

    Mrs. Dolor looked through the small opening. The black rain blew in, and a shivering bush reached up to the window. “Okay, here’s what we’ll do—” (She bent down to Esther.) “—I’ll go through first, and get the stepladder on the other side—your father left it out there when he was working on the lattice. Then all you have to do is take my hand. Okay?” 

    “Okay,” Esther nodded, attempting bravery. 

    “Okay,” Mrs. Dolor said. 

    Mrs. Dolor stood on the workbench and reached up for the bottom of the window. The rusty edge cut her palms as her weight came under her and she lifted her head through the opening. Her body squeezed and caught the edges of her chest and waist. She paused in the opening, rain drenching her hair and face, took a breath, and jerked her waist through. The opening scratched her thigh, and she fell forward into the bush on the other side. She rolled like a tumbleweed through the shrub and slapped onto the wet grass. 

    She wanted to yelp in pain but composed herself for her listening frightened children. Pushing herself to her feet, she examined her hands and thigh in the darkness. Her soaked pajamas stuck to her while she wiped her palms on them. 

    The darkness was heavy, and the rain thick. She gasped for air and searched in the yard. The ladder lay propped up against the lattice on the far side of the back porch. She stumbled through the mud and grass, careful not to slip. As miserable as she felt, she was happy to be out of the house. But the horrible feeling of leaving her children behind kept screaming between her ears. Every step away from them felt like a mile and a half. 

    “God, protect my babies,” she whispered. 

    Her hands grabbed the wet aluminum and jerked the ladder over her shoulder. She hurried back through the mud, far less careful of slipping, and eager to get back to Marian, Esther, Herbert and Aaron. 

    She rounded the corner of the porch and stuck the ladder in the mud against the bush. She scurried up the steps and pushed the window vent open. Her face stuck through and she saw the children staring up at her and holding hands. She smiled and relaxed. 

    “Okay, Esther,” she said, sweetly. “You first.” 

    Esther stepped up to the window and Aaron helped lift her up to her mother’s hands. The mother and daughter grabbed hold of one another and pulled with all their might. Esther slipped through the opening, and after a moment of hearing rain and murmuring, Mrs. Dolor’s face came through again. 

    Marian raced to the window. Aaron lifted her up. Marian’s hands reached up. She felt her mother’s wet hands clasp hold of hers. They pulled, but Marian weighed more than Esther. She slipped through the grip and crashed down onto Aaron.

    “I’m so sorry, sweetie!” Mrs. Dolor hollered. 

    Herbert helped Marian off of Aaron and they tried again. Aaron lifted, Marian reached, Mrs. Dolor grabbed. This time, she jerked Marian as hard as she could and lifted her into the window. Marian floundered on the top, like Mrs. Dolor had, but her mother helped her the rest of the way. Marian climbed down the other side of the ladder and met Esther in the rain. 

    Mrs. Dolor collected herself and climbed to the top again. She wiggled her head through the opening and saw Herbert waiting. 

    He was frowning and miserable. All he could think about was his father trapped in the house. As he watched his mother first disappear through the window, and waited an eternity for her return, he imagined how they would ever get back into the house again. As each of his sisters squeezed through the opening, he feared the front door—or any door—wouldn’t be able to get them back to his father. What if this was the last chance he had to see his dad? And what if the last time he ever saw him was watching him under the spell of the Professor and Mr. Dauer?

    Aaron put his hands down for Herbert to step up into them. Herbert stepped onto his friend’s support. Aaron heaved him up to the window, wincing from the pain in his bruised ribs, and trying with all his might to keep his resolve and help his friends. Mrs. Dolor reached for him. 

    On the other side of the window, Esther slipped in the mud, cried out, and grabbed Marian. The girls fell down and Mrs. Dolor removed her head and arms from the window to make sure they were alright. 

    The girls laughed and giggled. It was the first time that evening they laughed and the noise shocked them. Tears of joy raced down their cheeks in the rain when they heard it. Mrs. Dolor smiled at the girls and turned back to Herbert. 

    While Mrs. Dolor looked away, Herbert waited, standing on Aaron’s hands. He hung in the wobbly air, with his hands against the cinderblock wall. A terrible noise roared down from above. Aaron and Herbert turned to hear the screaming pain echo through the vent above Mr. Dolor’s automobile. Herbert knew the voice was his father’s. It sounded like he was in agony and being tortured.

    He turned back to his mother at the window as she looked at him. They locked eyes and Mrs. Dolor’s smile faded when she saw Herbert’s face. His hand slapped the window shut and slid the latch into place, locking his mother and sisters out. 

    When the window shut, Herbert saw a young man staring back at him. But he didn’t look as familiar as he thought he should. He looked older, more troubled, and angrier than the last time he saw him in the mirror. His face was covered in soot and dirt, and had the look of a man of war.

    Herbert looked past the other boy’s face and saw his mother crying in the rain. “I love you, Momma,” he said. “But I gotta save Dad.” 


  • The Way of the Wilderness



    When King David fled Jerusalem after Absalom’s coup, he went toward the way of the wilderness (2 Samuel 15:23). 

    The way of the wild is always a cycle. Adventure. Death. Rebirth. Adventure again. The fires burn down the forest and a new forest begins again. The wolf snatches a fawn, and a family is fed. The wild has night and day. Peaceful calm and sun-shining grace; and also creeping crackles and deadly gaits.

    The Wild is alive. She calls upon the hearts of men like a siren. Her name is Artemis and she is both deadly and beautiful. Adventure lies in her quiver and death on her bowstring. But one does not truly know what living is unless they sleep in her dangerous arms. Many long to be with her when they hear the siren’s call. Yet beg for mercy when her fangs enter their throat. 

    Most fear and reject the wilderness. They recognize its necessity but despise its presence. Comfort and appeasement lie in the land of the HOA and lovely bright lights. But greatness lies on the path of sacrifice and sorrow. 

    To fall into the hand of the Lord is a fearful, dangerous endeavor. But in His hands, deep in the wild’s grace, is where we find our meaning and contentment. 

    None were meant for HOA’s and utility bills. All were meant for the wild. And once you realize that, it’s too late to retreat. 

    “The Way of the Wilderness” is available on Spotify, Apple Music, Amazon Music, YouTube, and wherever else you may look for music. *Released February 21st, 2023


  • The Labyrinth and the Sundial


    The Labyrinth and the Sundial

    Chapter 15

    Mrs. Dolor and the children crept through the dining-room, kitchen and hall, before making their way past the bathroom, down the hall, to the door to the garage. They didn’t see any monsters or enemies, but heard the hushed pitter-patter of movement upstairs and in hidden places. Outside, the storm endured, crashing its lights and banging its winds against the windows and siding. 

    Opposite the garage was the study; the children peaked through its glass door. The piano stood alone and its keys no longer moved. In fact, they were smashed to bits and lay broken all over the floor. 

    “What happened?” Marian said. 

    “Don’t open the door to find out,” Aaron quipped, and Esther frowned. 

    “Wait—that’s right!” Marian jerked back to her mother. “Mom, we can’t open doors. They lead to other places—” 

    Before Marian could finish warning her mother, Mrs. Dolor creaked the garage door open. Her silhouette froze and filled the entry; a beam of light reached around her shoulders, waist and legs. And beyond her was a long narrow hallway, lined with old wooden shiplap at the top, bottom and sides. As Mrs. Dolor stepped inside, she had the uncanny feeling of walking into a human-sized mouse trap maze. Marian followed her inside while the others waited to see what would happen next. 

    Mrs. Dolor approached the end of the hall where the wooden path opened up into a small room with an enormous granite bowl at the center. It set on three ceramic columns, and off the top edge of the furthest side, a wide triangle made of granite jutted out over the center. 

    Above the bowl, a single bright orb hung in the air without any support or rope. It was a floating light, just out of Mrs. Dolor’s reach. The light cast a shadow from the triangle onto the center of the bowl, and the shadow pointed at a strange character etched in the bowl’s side. 

    “It’s a sundial,” Mrs. Dolor whispered, amazed and bewildered by the strange artifact. 

    “I thought sundials were flat,” Marian whispered like her mother, too frightened to speak any louder.

    “Remember the old Greek myths I read to you? Older dials, like the ones in those stories, used bowls instead of flat stones.”

    “What is this place?” Marian asked. She looked left and right at the long halls leading from the small room with the sundial. Twelve hallways in total, that led to dim passages turning into separate corridors. 

    “I think it’s a labyrinth,” Mrs. Dolor replied, and Marian looked at her, confused by the word. “A maze,” she said.  

    Back at the door, the other children felt confident enough that no strange creature would chase their mother and sister back through the passage. They ventured into the tight wooden hallway. Herbert noticed Starlight’s light pulsating bright and faint as she rode on his shoulder.

    “What’s the matter, Starlight?” He asked her. She looked at him, and her little green eyes were sad. She frowned and hugged his shirt collar before putting her head between her knees. Herbert frowned too, not because he knew what was bothering Starlight, but because he was worried about his father. 

    “What is it?” Esther asked as she approached the granite sundial in the center of the small room. 

    “Mom says it’s a sundial,” Marian replied. 

    “That tells the time?” Aaron asked. 

    “Yes,” Mrs. Dolor answered. “—or at least, that’s what sundials do. But that’s not the sun hovering over it, and I don’t know what these markings mean.” She leaned over the bowl and looked down its hollow interior. Strange markings and hieroglyphics shimmered on the edges. The shadow of the triangle’s point lay between the etching of a broken piano and a bowl on three legs.

    “That picture of the bowl looks kind of like the sundial, doesn’t it?” Mrs. Dolor asked out loud to no one in particular.

    The children leaned over to see the markings. Looking down in front of them was the marking of three hairy creatures bundled up together. Then an etch of a castle. The broken piano and bowl were next. Then a large bird. Then two circles under a flat table. Then a large bat. Then a piano; followed by some weird shapes with lines and circles that could be stick figures, but they were all jumbled and in weird positions, like one was carrying the other. Then a stick figure tied up in a chair. Then a wood-burning oven. Then a lit match, and back to the hairy creatures.

    “What do they mean?” Herbert asked.

    “Those hairy figures remind me of the trolls,” Aaron said.

    “I was in a castle like that,” Esther whispered.

    “The piano was broken like that, too,” Marian added. 

    “And a witch was thrown in an oven like that,” said Esther.

    “I was tied up in a chair,” Herbert said.

    “There are twelve images,” Mrs. Dolor said. “And twelve doors around us.” She surveyed the room and studied each door. “But look,” she swept her hand up for the children to follow. “Some of the doors are shut. How many? Eight. Eight are shut.”

    “I don’t understand,” Marian said. 

    “What’s special about these moments?” Esther asked herself. “There’s a match. I remember Fritz chasing the Monster with matches. And then I heard a gong from the house.” 

    “When the trolls grabbed me and Aaron, a gong chimed,” Marian said. 

    “I heard a gong when I was tied up in the chair,” Herbert said. “It was so loud, right above me. The Pendulum.”

    “And those strange stick figures look like when they took you, Herbert,” Aaron added.

    “So it’s all a story?” Esther asked. 

    “But what’s the beginning?”

    “The piano,” Aaron said matter-of-factly. “It all started with the Professor’s song.”

    “But that’s gone now. And we haven’t seen any scary people since then. Why does it show more images?”

    “I remember the Top-Hat Man and the Professor saying the song didn’t matter,” Herbert replied, “as long as the Pendulum didn’t speed up all the way. Like they would lose somehow if they didn’t get what they wanted before the Pendulum started swinging fast again.”

    “What do they want?” Marian asked. 

    Herbert hesitated. “The artifact,” he answered.

    “From the Enchanted Forest?” 

    “Why?” Aaron asked, and Herbert shrugged. 

    “The story pictures and gongs are following us,” Esther gathered. “And it looks like it’s about to chime again. Its almost pointing at the bowl and floating orb. That’s where we are now.”

    “And there are four doors left,” Marian added. 

    “The orb. The bird. The circles under the table. And the bat.” 

    “I don’t understand what this all means,” Mrs. Dolor said. You can imagine she was so perplexed by the children’s deductions, having never gone to the Enchanted Forest or hearing entirely about their night thus far. “But I think we need to keep moving on,” she decided. 

    The children knew their mother was right. But the night’s mysteries felt so close to being revealed to them. Each of them wanted to figure it out, but knew they may never understand the sundial or pendulum.

    “Faith before understanding,” Esther whispered.

    “Which path do we take out of here?” Herbert said.

    “I think we take the next open door,” Marian said. “And continue the story.” 

    “But why don’t we take the last one and be done with it?” Aaron asked.

    “That sounds like a good idea!” Herbert agreed.

    “Doesn’t that feel like cheating?” Marian asked. “We don’t know what is out there.”

    “It’s a picture of a bat,” Aaron said. “It’s the end. I bet it’s that vampire professor.” 

    “All the more reason not to go,” Marian said.

    “But Dad is with him,” Herbert interjected. “If Mom is free from the spell, then Dad should be, too! I say, we go through the door and find Dad and he will fight the Professor for us.” 

    “Is it right for us to skip ahead?” Esther asked. “Shouldn’t we trust the way the story is supposed to happen? What if we aren’t ready for the end yet?” 

    “What do you mean?” Marian asked her sister. 

    “Well, what if I skipped ahead from the beginning to the castle? It may have made me get there faster, but I wouldn’t have the Monster with me. He got me over the mountain and through the dark castle. Who knows what could have happened without him?” 

    “I don’t care.” Herbert crossed his arms. “I don’t like going any further without Dad.”

    “Herbert, honey,” Mrs. Dolor dropped down to her knees in front of him. “If your father is in there, the first thing he would want is for you to be safe. That’s the most important thing. We need to get through this maze and get out of the house. Once we alert the authorities, they will save him.” 

    “We are the authorities!” Herbert yelled. “We need to save him!” 

    “Sweetie—” Before Mrs. Dolor could reply, something happened. The wooden slats under their feet started to rattle. The boards shook and the floating orb over the granite bowl floated a little to its right. A faint hum was in the air that sounded like a distant chime ringing. 

    “It’s the Pendulum!” Aaron hollered. 

    “The door!” Esther shrieked. 

    In a flash, and before anyone could argue or think about it any longer, all five raced toward the next open hallway. A wooden door slid from a gap in the slats that no one noticed before. It rushed out and closed up the entry just as Herbert dove in last behind the others. 

    In the dark hallway, Mrs. Dolor and the children stumbled over themselves. They searched their pajama pockets for something to create light, before realizing how silly of an idea that was. Then a green light glowed in the middle of the tight hallway, and everyone stared at Starlight. Esther noticed Mrs. Dolor reading a strange piece of yellow parchment. She leaned in close to read the lines:

    When you find us:
    Get to the garage
    Get through the maze
    And no matter what, don’t turn back!

    Mrs. Dolor crumbled the paper up in her hand when she saw Esther reading it. “Come on, kids,” she said and led them to the door at the other end. It opened to the garage. They had made it.

    Mrs. Dolor held the door open as, one-by-one, the children stepped into the soft light of the garage. Marian came last, and Mrs. Dolor started to push the door closed, but it jerked out of her grip, slammed shut, and disappeared into dust. She looked up, taken aback, to see a hairy, grotesque creature with a long nose and bald head towering over her. Behind him were his brothers, one brandishing a large club, and the other wearing glasses and leaning on a peg leg made from a stairway column. 

    “You must be the Mother Dolor,” The ugly troll growled. “Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Wimbledon. And these are my brothers—Thimbledon and Stump.”

    Marian and Aaron pushed Esther and Herbert behind them and rushed forward to their mother’s side. The angry, evil grin of the trolls looked a thousand times more menacing than before. They knew there wasn’t any room for conversation or delay this time. The trolls meant to kill and eat them at once. Thimbledon raised his club in the air above Mrs. Dolor’s head. Her eyes followed it while her mouth fell open. 

    “Mom!” Marian screamed. The club flew through the air. Wimbledon grinned. Stump shuddered on his peg-leg. Herbert and Esther covered their eyes. Aaron’s chest ached. A flash of green zipped through the air. In a magnificent emerald flash, Starlight exploded with light. It shone over every crevice and pore of the trolls’ bodies, and as it touched their grotesque shape, their skin began to change. The family watched the green light ripple down the trolls’ chests and limbs like a pebble thrown into a still pond. A wave cresting up and out—only behind the wave wasn’t water, but crust, and then solid stone. The wave continued outward and downward until it reached every part of their bodies and only three large, hairy troll statues remained. 

    Mrs. Dolor looked up to see Thimbledon’s massive club hovering sheer inches above her face and the stare of the evil troll statue glaring at her.

    “Starlight did it!” The kids squealed.

    “She saved us!” 

    “Hooray!”

    But their joy was quickly robbed of them. Starlight’s humble smile came on her lips seconds before it filled with horror. A beak snatched her waist and threw her into the air. Terrified, her eyes met Herbert’s, and she reached her hand out one last time for him. The raven crunched Starlight in two and threw her down its throat. 

    Two transparent wings drooped out of the raven’s mouth. Their quiet glow of green faded to grey, and the raven slurped them down. The raven’s red eyes stared at the children, and its powerful wings threw the air underneath them. It flew away into a low vent above Mr. Dolor’s automobile. 

    “No!” Herbert screamed in agony and fell to the ground. The children’s hearts sank as they saw their beautiful fairy friend die before their eyes. Thunder cracked the sky outside, and the garage bowed under the weight of the rain. Somewhere far away, at the top of the Dolor home, in an attic that no normal door could ever open, the Pendulum moved a little more, and a gong echoed down into the house. 


  • About Now


    My writing has slowed only because my focus has been fervently on music as of late. While my family packs up our home and plans our next step in the mountains, I wear a strong desire to leave a nobler representation of my musical heart. “A Grief Observed” released and I have received wonderful remarks and love throughout the process. But I know, as well as anyone worth their salt, that it is a sad and despondent tale. One that I no longer live within. A better reflection of my current heart would include the hope, joy, and fearful trembling of falling into the hands of the Lord.

    Therefore, I knew before the year was up that I wanted to leave behind a musical tale that expressed this new season. And without knowing what lies ahead, though it is strange and scary indeed, I am rushing myself to release the music as soon as possible. I may not otherwise have an opportunity this year. This leaves me in a constant state of packing, writing music, producing, and playing with my kids. Writing fiction and inspirational teaching, it would seem, have moved to a back burner. They will return though. I suspect after this musical season and after my family officially moves and plants itself in a new community.

    Rest assured, the Dolor Series chapters will continue to be released, as I have already finished the current book (if you haven’t begun reading those stories, yet—you really should). And sometime March/April the new album will be released. Until then, here are a few nuggets you can mull over as I have this last week.


    Greatness lies on the path of sacrifice and sorrow. But sacrifice as a means to an end is merely murder.

    Greatness can only be attained once one is willing to let go of its allure. And what is greatness? If defined as fame, wealth, or appeasement—these things are not great. Greatness is the fruit of honor, contentment, and charity. Honor is far from fame; contentment far from appeasement; charity far from wealth. Sacrifice and sorrow lie among all these things.

    It’s best to wander down the slow, long back road of greatness, than the interstate of half-witted desires for earthly success.

    It’s best to remain silent and trudge through hell than scream and whine and shout for something that will be gone tomorrow.


  • Reunion


    Reunion

    Chapter 14

    Marian, Esther, and Aaron couldn’t stop kissing and hugging Mrs. Dolor. It felt like a century since last seeing and touching her. A thousand horrible things had happened, and they didn’t know where to begin in describing them or taking their next step. Somewhere out in the house, their brother fended for his life and their father was missing. But nothing mattered for these brief holy moments of feeling Mrs. Dolor’s soft warm cheeks against their own. 

    “I’m so happy you’re back, Mom,” Marian cried. 

    Tap. Tap. Tap. The sound came from stories above them.

    “I know, sweetie,” Mrs. Dolor replied and kissed her forehead. “And I’m back for good.” She unwrapped her arms from the children and stood up, looking down the long hallway and considering where they were. Just outside Mr. and Mrs. Dolor’s bedroom, under the stairway, and nearest the kitchen and dining-room. 

    “What happened to you?” Marian asked.

    “We came to see…” Aaron trailed off.

    “It’s been so scary,” Esther added. 

    “I wish I could explain it,” Mrs. Dolor said, “but I have a hard time finding the words. It felt like a dream that you know is a dream. But can’t get out of. Like that kind that you are in right before waking up, and you know you are dreaming, so you can walk around and interact with the dream. Only in this dream, I couldn’t do the things I really wanted to. I remember talking to you, Marian. I wanted so bad to make sense of it all. And I remember you hiding in the closet, Esther.”

    “But—I never went into your closet, Mom,” Esther said, confused. “This is the first I’ve seen you since dinnertime.” 

    “Oh!” Mrs. Dolor said. Her eyes wandered on the floor. “That’s right. You see?—It’s all still so groggy.” And then, “Where’s Herbert?” 

    “The monsters took him!” Esther squealed. 

    “The stupid Professor,” Aaron added. 

    “We almost found him,” Marian said, “But the whole house is messed up. Doors don’t lead to the right places, and the stairs led to a dead-end. I heard him…and I tried…” Marian couldn’t contain her tears any longer. She put her head in her hands and shivered. 

    Mrs. Dolor wrapped her arms around her and whispered in her ear, “I’m so proud of you, darling, but you don’t have to carry this burden alone anymore.” 

    Marian squeezed her mother with all her might. 

    “We need to find your brother,” Mrs. Dolor declared. “You said he was upstairs?” 

    “Marian and I heard him at the top,” Aaron confirmed. 

    “Let’s start there,” Mrs. Dolor said. 

    “But Mom, you don’t understand,” Marian said. “There are monsters and strange people everywhere in the house. Well, at least it’s somewhat normal now—the lights on.”

    “And the smell gone,” Esther added.

    “And that stupid song done!” Aaron agreed.  

    Mrs. Dolor put her hands on Marian and Esther’s shoulders. “Girls, Aaron,” she said, “I know.” She looked at all of them in their eyes so deeply that it somehow made them feel safe, as if she had all along been right with them. 

    Mrs. Dolor put her back against the hallway wall and crept in her slippers from under the stairwell and into the dining-room. The children followed suit as she bent down and peered into the living-room and back again at the kitchen. The coast was clear, and much easier to see now with all the lights on. 

    She spun round the column, her hand sliding in the grooves of the dark wood, and scampered up the first three steps to the far side of the railing. Her back was to the living-room as she took a deep breath and nodded to the kids to follow her up the stairs. 

    Marian led the way past her, with Aaron on her heels. Esther crouched beside her mother on the step. Mrs. Dolor was looking over her shoulder. Esther looked back and saw her mother’s forlorn stare had landed on the kitchen table in the dining-room. Esther looked back at her mother. 

    “What was the song like to you?” She asked. 

    Mrs. Dolor’s eyes remained on the dining table. “When the song played, everything felt real,” she replied. “But not the sort of real you know. Like living in a storybook you are reading. As the reader, you know where the story is going, but you can’t control it. And in that story, it’s only going to a bad place.”

    Esther looked at the living-room on the other side of her mother. The way she spoke reminded her of the Monster’s speech. 

    “So you keep putting the book down,” Mrs. Dolor continued. “Because you don’t want to see where you know it’s going. But you know you have to keep reading it if you are going to get through it.” Pause. And then, “I saw horrible things, Esther. Wretched things. And none if it made any sense. I don’t believe it even still.”

    Esther opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but Mrs. Dolor continued.

    “But I believe what you’ve seen. And I have to fight for my babies.” Marian and Aaron had joined them at the bottom of the steps by now. “And yes, of course, you too, Aaron. Like I said, my children.” 

    Aaron smiled, but his eyes were sad. 

    “It doesn’t matter how bad the book got,” Mrs. Dolor said, matter-of-factly. “I had to get through it.” She stood to her feet. “And I’ve got one more of my babies out there. Let’s go get him.” 

    “Mom?” A small hoarse voice whispered from the top of the stairs. Mrs. Dolor and the children spun their heads on turnstiles and stared, shocked and awed. At the top of the stairs, standing before them, was a little boy with short blonde hair, wearing glasses too small for his dirty face, and holding a pocketknife in his shivering hand. A green fairy hovered in the air next to him, spinning and full of jubilation. 

    “Herbert!” Mrs. Dolor covered her mouth, and tears raced down her cheeks. 

    Aaron pushed through Marian and Mrs. Dolor and raced up the steps. He barreled over Herbert and tackled him to the ground with his hug. “I’m sorry, Herbert,” he blubbered. 

    Herbert laughed weakly and hugged him back. Marian and Esther were at his side like lightning, hugging and crying and laughing, just like they had with their mother. Herbert peered through the pile of hair and limbs to see his mother standing over them. She knelt down, and he reached through his siblings for her hands. 

    “My baby boy,” she whispered, and pulled him up to her for a hug and kiss. 

    Just then, the house rumbled and shook. A chime from the Pendulum in the attic echoed through the halls and wasted their moment together. It vibrated the steps underneath them and rattled the picture frames on the walls. 

    “I hate that sound,” Aaron growled. 

    “What does it mean?” Marian asked. 

    “No—” Herbert interjected. “It’s a good thing.” The others looked at him inquisitively. “Trust me—it means we are winning.”

    Mrs. Dolor smiled at him. Then, as if she knew something the children didn’t, she looked down the stairs and ordered, “We need to get to the garage.”

    “But what about Daddy?” Esther asked.

    “I saw him,” Herbert answered, and everyone stared, waiting for him to explain. 

    “He’s—okay,” Herbert didn’t know quite how to say it. “He’s in some sort of castle or dungeon. With the Top-Hat Man.”

    “The Top-Hat Man?” Marian hollered.

    “Oh, no!” Esther whimpered.

    “I knew it!” Aaron’s jaw jutted out. 

    “I think the song was messing with him,” Herbert continued. 

    “Well, the song’s over now!” Marian reasoned. “He may be normal—like Mom!”

    “Maybe we can get him, too!” Esther added. 

    “I can take us back!” Herbert hollered. “We need to save him!” 

    “What matters is I get you to safety first,” Mrs. Dolor declared.

    “But Mom—” Herbert pleaded. 

    “That’s not what we are supposed to do. And I’ll be crossed if I take my children into harm’s way, knowing I had the chance to save them. And I know your father would want nothing more.” Then, as if the matter was done, she turned and started down the steps with the children behind her. Esther at her side, Aaron following closely, Marian nodding in acceptance, and last, Herbert shaking his head in frustration. Starlight rode up and down on his shoulder, petting his cheek in compassion.


  • The Light in the Darkness


    The Light in the Darkness

    Chapter 13

    Herbert huddled in the dark on the cold tiled-floor of the second-floor bathroom. It felt like a prison; the air stunk like mildew; the fluorescent light flickered over the sink. Though even in his fear, safety felt present in the small confined space. 

    Part of him wanted to run straight for the front door downstairs and to their next-door neighbor’s house. He didn’t know them very well, but surely they would help. Or maybe find his bike in the garage and ride to Mr. Mewbourn’s. 

    But that thing from the attic was still out there in the shadows, hunting him. And he couldn’t leave his sisters; they were in trouble. And his father was with the Professor. He clutched the soft bathroom rug in his fists and held it close to his face.

    He didn’t know what the safe thing to do was. Or the right thing. He imagined his mother telling him not to do one thing and his father saying it was okay. Like the time he climbed the tree in the backyard and his mother yelled at him, but his dad said it would be fine when she wasn’t looking. 

    His arms shook, and he closed his eyes. He gasped for air and pounded the floor with his little fists. His shaky hands through his hair and adjusted his glasses. Then they took them off and wiped them and put them back on. He took a deep breath and prayed for Aaron to be alive.

    He unknowingly prayed out loud and felt stupid as soon as the noise left his lips. With mouth clasped shut, he looked about the dim room for any response to the sound. His heart rate slowly came down, until the wooden door—or more appropriately, something on the other side of the wooden door—made a noise. His eyes scattered every which way, and he backed up to the shower threshold and against the shower curtain. He held his breath while something scratched down the wooden frame. Herbert jerked the curtain in front of him and fell back into the shower. Leaning against the ceramic wall, he stared furiously at the thin sheet of nylon in front of him and listened to the sound, clenching his jaw and squeezing his sweaty hands tight. 

    The scratching scraped through the doorjamb, and he heard it slide across the bathroom tile. He imagined the long claw sticking under the threshold. The door knob rattled. Herbert held his breath. Seconds tiptoed by, while Herbert strained to hold his breath. His head wobbled on his neck. His chest started shaking. One eyelid closed, and the other slid down over his pupil. Herbert wondered if he could make it any longer, when he realized the noises must be gone. He gasped for air and bent over onto the shower floor. His head shook and brow furrowed. He hated feeling scared, to where he felt angry instead. He stood up in the shower, closed his eyes, shook his head, took a deep breath, and jerked the curtain open. 

    “I don’t care anymore,” he whispered to himself. “I’m getting my family, and I’m getting out of here. And nothing is stopping me.”

    He stepped out of the shower and strutted to the ajar door. He almost jerked it wide open like the curtain, but had the better sense to turn it slowly. Somewhere in the middle of fear and cavalier was the courage he needed to obtain, and he did his best to walk the fine line of what would make his father proud and his mother smile. 

    The doorknob was in his hand. The door slid open. The hallway was out there. 

    He stepped into it and felt the calm, quiet house rush over him. Oh! What a relief and silly notion! There was nothing here. He had imagined all of it. He took a breath. Nothing was in the house but the long dreary drawl of the Professor’s piano song. All except darkness, silence… 

    A shriek! and ferocious gallop. Two legs pounced, and the creature ripped from the shadows. A claw slashed at Herbert. He ducked under the screaming shape and rolled onto the floor, sliding in the balustrade. The evil dog’s snapping, slobbering teeth just missed his head. Its claw stabbed into the open doorway. Herbert scampered to his hands and knees and looked up at the monster towering over him. Its quills shook on their ends and rattled like a serpent. Herbert pulled his knife and threw it at the beast. It bounced off its thick hide and Herbert felt like a fool. 

    He took off down the hallway, first on all fours, then quickly bent over, and then erect and racing, with the beast at his behind. The thing slashed at his legs and took his feet from underneath him. Herbert crashed into the small table he hid under the night of Spies and Assassins; his face clipped the edge, and he burst out crying. The table broke, and a vase splashed onto the ground. The beast thrust itself away from the sharp pieces and water. Herbert picked up the table’s broken leg and held it up between himself and the beast. The beast circled like a wolf, sniffing the air, and drooling oil all over the hallway rug. Its quills shook in the air and the long claw on its right paw knocked on the ground. 

    Knock. Kno-Knock. Knock.

    Herbert furrowed his brow and climbed to his feet, still holding the table leg out. He clenched his jaw and reared the leg back like a baseball player. The beast took the opening and lunged forward. The bat swung and hit teeth, flesh, and an eye socket. The beast howled. Herbert fell to the ground from the force and his bat shattered in his hands. 

    He pushed the rug away from him and stood to his feet. The animal shook its head and all its hairs and quills vibrated behind it like a tidal wave. Its long kangaroo tail flipped about in the air while it stared at Herbert. It would not stop. Herbert snatched a piece of the vase from the ground and held it up like a blade. It cut his hand in his fist, but he didn’t care. His jaw clenched, and he took another deep breath. 

    Then something miraculous happened. Herbert felt the hair on the back of his neck tingle. He sensed something sweet in the air and a bright light from behind him. He was afraid to take his eyes off of the beast, but everything in him wanted to look. Instead, he watched the beast in front of him make the strangest expression yet. Its face was afraid. 

    The light grew brighter until Herbert wondered if the sun was rising. Then he heard wings buzzing, like a massive bumblebee was flurrying down the hall. The hum zipped by his ear and he closed his eyes when a massive green light sparkled in front of him. 

    The beast yelped and ducked under the light. It scatted about and rammed its massive body into the nearest door. The door didn’t budge, so it made its way down the hall again, screaming and howling, until another door opened under its weight. The beast fled and slammed the door behind it. 

    Herbert opened his eyes to see a beautiful green fairy fluttering in front of him. Though at the present moment, she looked fierce and ready for battle, waiting to see if the beast would return. Her clothing was made from the finest plants and trees in all the forest, and a petite little hat rested on her ears. Her glow dimmed when she felt satisfied that the beast wouldn’t return, and she faced Herbert in the air. 

    “Starlight!” He cheered, and tears fell down his cheeks. 

    The little green fairy fluttered down to his open hand and hugged his pointer finger tightly. She flitted up to his cheek and kissed it, after wiping an enormous tear away. 

    “I never thought I’d see you again,” Herbert said, and bowed his head in exhaustion. 

    The fairy smiled sheepishly, and Herbert thought she looked strangely forlorn. 

    “What’s the matter, Starlight?” Herbert asked. 

    The fairy smiled at him and shook her head. She flitted back to his outstretched hand and stood in his palm. Her delicate wings fell to her sides, and she raised her hands into the air. 

    Herbert watched as Starlight pantomimed her words to him. She raised his little fingers up and counted out the number four. She mimicked playing a piano like a gaudy aristocrat with head held back and laughing. She acted like a lady and a dozy man. A wretched dog on all fours, and a stiff monster with arms outstretched before it.

     It went on and on like this, with Herbert guessing what she was saying, and Starlight either shaking her head or nodding wildly. After a bit, Herbert put together that she was telling him he needed to find his sisters, and she knew where they were. 

    “Well go on then, Starlight,” Herbert cheered. “Lead the way.” She fluttered into the air and took off ahead of him. “I’m so glad you are here, Starlight!” Herbert gasped while chasing after her. “Everything is going to change now!” 

    And change it did. As soon as he finished saying the words, the air in the hall cleared. It didn’t smell like old mildew or stained sheets anymore. The air was fresh, light, and sweet, like Starlight’s green light. The light overhead flickered once, twice, and thrice before illuminating the hallway completely. Herbert stopped running to see all the lights in the house were flickering on and shining bright. 

    The Professor’s song had ended. The air tasted good again, and the light returned. 

    “Did you do this?” Herbert looked at Starlight. 

    She hovered in the air, titled her head playfully, and shrugged her shoulders. 


  • Stargazing

    I’m a stargazer under Your gaze.
    No stranger to Your strange ways.
    In the night, I feel Your smile,
    As long as I’m slow enough to stay awhile.

    From Hell, You have rescued me;
    From lies, You have led me.
    I’ll tell of Your wondrous ways,
    This night, the longest night, the longest night.

    You have made darkness Your secret place,
    And under Your shadow I hide my face,
    A sanctuary of hope and dreams.
    I’ll try to wait a little longer before I stir and leave.

    I’m a stargazer and I’m under Your gaze.
    Thank you for holding me in the night days.
    Nothing can change the truth of Your hand.
    Nothing can ever remove Your sovereign plan.
    God of Heaven,
    God of earth,
    God of stars,
    And God of mirth,
    In the darkness, I hide my face.
    In the shadow of Your gaze,
    In the mystery of Your secret place
    .

    The single “Stargazing” is available on Spotify and all streaming services. A composition to evoke the fear and wonder of breaking the atmosphere and sailing through the cosmos. Visit Spotify now.


  • A Grief Observed



    a grief observed

    My hope and desire is that through the cathartic and exhaustive experience of putting melodies and rhythms to my anguish, I can move on from all this tormenting mess. And in the process, express it to those who may have experienced some such heartache and, therefore, can relate to what is a severed suffering.

    Regardless, it has been nothing short of a joy and pleasure to play music again and find ways to worship God without words. And this is, without doubt, worship. For even in our grief, if there is honesty and vulnerability, there is His Spirit. There are highs and lows. There is denial. There is anger. There is bargaining. There is depression. There is acceptance.

    The grief is gone now. But the memory of it will always be with me. I hope you can benefit from its observation.

    Please enjoy “A Grief Observed” on Spotify, Apple Music, Amazon Music and wherever else you may look for music. *Released January 20th, 2023


    Tracks listing:

    Move
    We need to be willing to listen and ready to move when God speaks.

    That Hideous Strength
    C.S. Lewis’ beautiful and intense finale to his “Space Trilogy” has many peculiar aspects and allegories. But at its core is a message to escape the political machine of what we are “supposed to be and do”, and run to the hills where the deep Heaven awaits us.

    Legends Fading
    How do you walk away from what has become your whole life and purpose? Will you answer the people who point, stare, and lie about your motives? What do you say to someone who has put a knife in your back? Perhaps you will just fade away because words would only bring more tears.

    The Bell Jar
    “To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is a bad dream.”
    – Sylvia Plath

    As I know it, it is the place where depression lies and the spirit of suicide tries to take hold. I tried to write a piece of music that conveys the weight of a man who has given everything to save his love. But no matter what, it’s not good enough.

    He never did it for her, though. He did it for his God. And when he can finally express himself to the one who understands him, he will be free.

    Plague Dogs
    Richard Adams’ incredible story, told from the perspective of two dogs, hides evocative and transparent truths about our own broken lives that are filled with mistakes and failures. Maybe we aren’t that bad after all. Perhaps the scientists tormented us; they messed up our minds; the town misunderstood our motives, but all we really wanted was a Master to love and play with us.

    Something Wonder
    One late evening in early December, I reached for my guitar and began a progression. The words spilt out of me faster and stronger than any song before. And behind them, a picture in my mind rang staunch and fierce—that of two menacing eyes staring back at me in bitter, ugly deceit.

    But while the fleeting eyes of some unfeeling observer may come and go or life may seem bitter and slow, the Eyes of God are “always watching” and will “remain”. Perhaps that’s why it’s my western. There is something more on the other side of the sunset’s wonder.

    Golden Blue
    Twelve years go by fast. This year, having walked away from my career, we did not have the money for gifts and vacations like we normally would on our wedding anniversary. But I knew I could put my efforts into a song for my wife. This is my love-letter to her, with many hidden connotations throughout.

    ForeverMore
    This was the final song I wrote in my tenure as the youth worship leader. It was completed and ready to bring to the worship team before they elected me to lead the youth church as pastor. It has sat on the shelf for six years, waiting. And since then, every time I picked up a guitar, it would come out.


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FOUR ELEVEN

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