Keith G. Alderman

A Prophetic Word for Right Now

The Lord had me silent this week, and silent in many things. I fasted and sought Him and early this week He gave me a dream and vision before my open eyes; but He told me to be silent until now. And now the interpretation of it has come to fruition. The dam has broken with my fever and I must write this right now. Forgive my sloppy writing, because there is no time for niceties and grammar.

I dreamt a dream; I was standing on my hill before my garden. And the garden looked healthy and alive. But there was a hole in the yard. A groundhog had burrowed underneath and ravaged the roots of the garden. The garden was now three-fourths dead. There were no more leaves or fruit, only stems of what once was.

I dreamt a dream; I was walking through a sanctuary and removing books from a bookshelf at the back. The people were gathered in their weekly service, but refused to look at me. They were interested in the showmanship on the stage. I removed all the books and left.

I awoke from a dream and saw before me a gray wall. On the wall were four ticks crawling up it. I reached out to crush them, and then I wiped the vision away and saw my bedroom.

I believe there is an attack from the Enemy on God’s Church right now in three specific ways. And I charge you to pray with me over them, both in the Church as a whole, for your personal church, and for your personal life.

Firstly, I believe that Satan has sent groundhogs to dig underneath the foundation of what is the Christian faith and uproot. The damage hasn’t been seen because the garden looks nice upfront. But the roots are being pulled and the garden will whither and die.

Secondly, I believe that God’s people are fixated on concerts and charlatan speeches that they are not seeing the wisdom and Message of the Cross being removed.

Thirdly, I believe that blood-suckers are crawling the walls of the church to suck the righteousness and sanctification out in the name of creativity and liberality.

Pray. Pray for our Church to crave the fundamental things again. The things that are elementary and necessary: baptism, laying on of the hands, worship, communion, prayer (corporate, intercessory, and private), grace, mercy, humility, love, long-suffering, the gifts of the spirit and the fruits of the spirit, and above all His Presence. Pray for our Church to hunger for the Word, to incline their ear to Wisdom, and long for the Message of the Cross above all things. And pray, pray, pray for our Church to repent and snuff out the lie that we have allowed to fester; a lie that says righteousness, holiness, and sanctification do not really matter as long as we keep getting more people to say they believe in Jesus. The blood of Jesus is being sucked out and we must combat it. Finally, pray for yourself that you would long for His Presence; listen to Wisdom; live in Humility; repent from sin; aim for righteousness; hunger for the Word like an addict; and devote your every waking moment to seeking Him more. It is the pure of heart that will see God. Now is the Time.

He is the God of the Universe, and we are His children. The dam has broken. Get on your knees and pray and watch the Holy of Holies move.
Nonsensical Gifts to Change the World

For somewhere near ten years, I’ve seen the Holy Spirit on trial. And He is not interrogated or cross-examined; for doing so would reveal His power and intent. But He is ignored, thought little of, and judged without an ear to convict. This has dismantled the wonder-working power of the Holy Spirit in our Church.

Now concerning spiritual gifts, brethren, I do not want you to be ignorant…
1 Corinthians 12:1

Nevertheless, I tell you the truth. It is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I depart, I will send Him to you.
John 16:7

The fatal responses I’ve heard in the Church about the wonder-working Power of the Holy Ghost, whether present or not:
“Those things only happened in the First Century…”
“Those things are the works of the Devil…”
“I don’t need the manifested gifts, I just want to know Christ intimately…”
“We haven’t time for all that right now…”
“It’s just too weird to do such things, and we will only repel the unbeliever with them.”

Elementary, these things are. I thank God for those like my father, Dave Ellis, Ray Goolsby and Dan Stallbaum, to teach me the truth at such a young age; that anything else would only make me chuckle.

We cannot discount or disown the gifts of our God. Why would we? If for no other reason than fear and confusion—both brought on by the Prince of Darkness.

The gifts are promises to us, written of, and expressed by Jesus, His Disciples and Paul. If they are not present in your life, it is a reflection of your absentmindedness, confusion, sin, or ignorance.

Nonetheless, they are present all around you, ready to be received and used, just as salvation is ready to be received by the sinner.

If we have not the promises of God, what do we have? Yet too many preach that the promises are dead, and Believers* walk about their lives as though they were. The Follower of Christ should lead a life displaying the works and wonders of Christ, both in character, righteousness, love, and miracles. Throwing out an entire portion of this life—proclaiming that miracles “are a distraction” or “only for some”—usually is done by the Christian who leads a life of pride and insecurity.

No doubt, it is a fearful thing to step into the miraculous. It only comes from an understanding that we are nothing without the Christ, and it is His gift, not our own. When our pride tells us we are noteworthy to receive such a thing, the well dries up; or when our insecurity tells us we are unworthy, the river stops running. And not because It is reliant on us, but because we are reliant on It.

So, in like manner of believing for healing (which I wrote a few weeks ago here), we can see that “it doesn’t always work”. Well, that is not a strong enough reason for us to give up on believing. God is not a genie; nor is He on your timetable.

So you finally got over yourself to give it a shot and said in your heart (if not there, at least in your action), “Alright, Lord Almighty, You have thirty seconds to perform a miracle; without my fasting, prayer, life of sinless behavior, or faith. In the name of Jesus, I test You to perform a miracle through me or else I will know for certain that You only ever did such a thing two thousand years ago.” What pompous, insecure profanity we are capable of living!

Or we sub-consciously declare, “I just haven’t the time. I’m certain He performs miracles, but I’m too busy with ministry elsewhere to stop and listen to Him. I’m above all that.”

Or we “act” the part of Believer, conjuring up a feeling, but walking away before we see a result, “in the Name of Jesus, it is done; now I must look away and walk on before I wait to see if what I believed manifested.”

Or, God-forbid, we ignore the moving of the Holy Spirit because we are fearful others will reject us or we will irritate them with our taking so long in church service. For the record, pastors, if a church-member leaves the church because you took too long yielding to the Holy Spirit, then they are not true Followers of Christ (but I’m getting off topic. I’ll speak on “performing” church next week.)

Absolute faith derives from absolute humility and obedience. Without faith, we cannot perform miracles; without love, our miracles will dry up.

(*parentheses indicate a deeper understanding of the Hebrew)

There are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit.
(There is the division of favor given not by merit, but by He the Holy Spirit of God.)

…for to one is given the word of wisdom through the Spirit,
(the intelligence of the written or spoken word or doctrine)
to another the word of knowledge through the same Spirit,
(the understanding, specifically moral understanding, of the word spoken, given, or heard)
to another faith by the same Spirit,
(conviction of the holy truth)
to another gifts of healings by the same Spirit,
(healing received with no merit of their own)
to another the working of miracles,
(the operation of the power of God)
to another prophecy,
(conversation between God and oneself to admonish the sinner or encourage the saint by foretelling the future)
to another discerning of spirits,
(the judging and discerning of holy spirits, evil spirits, and/or the spirit in a man albeit on, influencing, or possessing)
to another different kinds of tongues,
(the ability to speak in unknown languages)
to another the interpretation of tongues.
(the ability to understand those unknown languages)
But one and the same Spirit works all these things, distributing to each one individually as He wills.

1 Corinthians 12:4; 8-11

Unfortunately, this passage of scripture is usually taught without the subsequent chapters. Here, Paul is not looking to explain the gifts of the Holy Spirit, but to emphasize the pride and insecurity that potentially bubble up in the Church from them. That’s why following this passage, he discusses the Body of Christ having many members and none of them being greater than the last.

It is not a passage on whether miracles will or should happen. All of these gifts should happen in all of the Believers’ lives, not because we are special enough to receive one or un-special enough to fail to receive (as some would have us learn); but to accept that the Spirit of God will distribute them however and whenever He sees fit. Our humility, faith and obedience will let them work through us. Our pride, doubt, and reluctance will thwart them.

The problem that many Believers face when reading this scripture is that they get overwhelmed and impressed by words that were common to Paul at the time; and should be common in our lives. If all of us were working in these gifts as they were in the First Century, we wouldn’t be scrutinizing whether Paul said that only some receive them; but we would understand Paul is saying to stop being prideful in the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

Here, I emphasize “of” because they are the gifts belonging to the Holy Spirit. They are not “from” Him, meaning they are not a gift He gave, and we have acquired and now own. They are a gift “of” Him; and therefore able to be taken away when He sees fit. And this is the heartbeat of all this message.

Paul said that he wished all spake in tongues, and even more prophesied (1 Corinthians 14). And again, all of this before and after 1 Corinthians 13. He emphasizes that we cannot manifest the Power of God without Love, or we are loud, noisy, and useless as a gong; big, powerful, shocking, yet ultimately leave no impression but hurt and battered ears. Plenty of Believers work the miracles of God without love, and in so doing, shock and attack, and leave the listener with a hurt understanding in the wake.

Furthermore, Paul addresses that speaking in tongues, without an interpreter, is only for the individual speaking, as they are solely edified in so doing; but those listening gain nothing from it. Which is true! If I were to preach in gibberish and nonsense (as the word “tongues” means), you would gain nothing from it. Although, I myself would be greatly encouraged—which is why I speak in tongues as much as I speak in English in my day-to-day life. But I do not preach or pray for others in that manner. Although, I may pray in tongues before I pray in English over an individual—but this would be to align my heart with the Spirit of God, that I may discern and know what He would have me pray over that individual (especially because most of us ask for prayer not knowing what we need it for.)

But the idea that we should “never pray in tongues”, or never in front of another, is nonsense. We should not pray only in another tongue; there is a difference.

Praying in tongues is lovely and life-giving to the individual. I would go so far to say it is necessary and even elementary. Yet sadly, many of us place it so high on a pedestal that we either never touch it or debate it ceaselessly. Elementary indeed, as Paul said, these base things that you have forgotten—when can we go on to greater things?

Nonetheless, it is greatly needed that I discuss such things; although I wished that all of Christ’s Followers knew and executed these things.

Defining the Gifts.

Let me first warn that to define the Spirit or His Gifts is foolhardy. The Spirit does what He wants when He wants; that’s His prerogative. All I can do is give the simplest understanding, with the further notion that all of His Presence in your life will depend on your ability to act humbly, obediently, righteously, and faithful. Without those characteristics, and especially with the opposite of them, you will only dispel the Spirit’s move in your life until you are left with watered-down milk. No, not even milk—but watered-down milk will be your portion. Though, it is not perfection the Spirit seeks, but willingness.

Additionally, none of these should be “performed” in the sense of a show or to gain notoriety or fame; “if it is without love, it is only a noisy cymbal”. Historically, the gifts of the Spirit have been used for the performing individual to feel famous or special, and this is a misfortune; but that misfortune doesn’t extinguish the necessity for their presence in our lives. We will only ever understand Christ’s love and Person if we know His spirit well. Lean into Who He is and why He is speaking to you. And remember that the gift is not what the Follower follows or becomes addicted; it is the Person of Christ we become.

Words of Wisdom – the sudden wisdom necessary for another or yourself in making a life decision. Wisdom goes only as far as someone is willing to take it, and it is never specific. Usually imagery, metaphorical, or proverbial.

Words of Knowledge – the direct and spontaneous, perfect knowledge of something otherwise impossible to know. This could be about an individual, place, or situation. My personal belief is that this should never be paraded, but disclosed delicately, depending on the content.

Miracles – the act of healing, raising life from the dead, sudden financial blessing or deliverance from demonic forces.

Prophecy – the ability to foresee and call out those things that aren’t as though they were. The prophets in the Old Testament saw destruction. The prophets in the New Testament see the promises of heaven. Prophetic words are about propelling people to what they themselves cannot see or understand until they take the first step. Prophetic words can be interpreted very differently and ofttimes are considered vague or less direct as a word of knowledge or wisdom; however, they can be specific and terrifying to the individual receiving them. I believe strongly that prophetic words should never be looked down upon, nor ever blatantly received as the Word of God; therefore, a community of like-minded Followers is paramount; if you receive a prophecy that confuses and confounds, share it with someone you trust and test that word against the infallible Word. Prophecy can come through visions, the Word, dreams, and the audible voice of God.

Discernment – the ability to immediately sense the spirit of God or kingdom of darkness over an individual, place, or atmosphere.

Tongues – I suppose it makes sense that those in and out of the church would most ridicule this gift; because it wears foolishness on its sleeve. Yet our Bible says that He will take the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; we can only come to Him as children. I will take a moment longer explaining Tongues; as I just had a conversation last weekend with someone expressing their frustration with their church’s lack of teaching on it.

Tongues is babbling; it is nonsense. It makes absolutely no sense to the speaker or listener (*most of the time). But it is not for Wisdom, Knowledge or Prophecy. It is for the individual to align his or her heart to the Spirit’s. It is not the “Holy Spirit taking hold of your tongue and making you speak nonsense”. It is a voluntary action like any other gift of the Spirit, and therefore the most intimidating because it yields to looking like an absolute fool. (This makes me suspect that many Christians are closet-tongue-speakers, not sharing the experience with anyone else; I wonder how many Baptist preachers are speaking in tongues to hear the Spirit and then refusing to tell their elders about it in fear of removal.)

I began praying in tongues at age 14, and it was a very private thing. I repeated the same phrase often. My youth pastor asked me shortly thereafter if I prayed in tongues and I told him “no” because I was afraid he would make me do it in front of him. He encouraged me that if I had been baptized into the Holy Spirit**, I can speak in Tongues. I share that because I believe many Christians (especially young) pray in tongues, only to be discouraged by fear, embarrassment, ridicule, or bad teaching, and lock it away. But you can, and you should.

There is not much else Tongues does than bring the individual joy, peace, faith, and comfort. This is why Paul considers it elementary; “I would have it that all you spake in tongues, but I wish more of you prophesied”—because Prophecy actually helps someone else. But how great is it to have joy, peace, faith and comfort in an instant!

Now it doesn’t matter how many articles, movies, or sermons ridicule the act of speaking in tongues—and there are a lot if you look. When I speak in tongues, my thoughts clear, my focus is tuned, my spirit yields to His spirit, my chest warms, my heart slows down, and I feel immediate peace. Of course, it’s nonsense. I know that. As much as I know, it is by faith that I walk, and by not sight. And I will live by nonsense, shouting tongues over my pain, fears, and anxiety and watch them disappear. And until Christ removes it from the Holy Bible, I will continue to do it.

For the Believer who desires to speak in tongues, or (receive any of the gifts of the Spirit), I encourage you first to pray and yield yourself to the Spirit of God. Ask Him to invade every facet of your life. Then, as you begin to hear nonsensical words in your mind, speak them out and let your tongue fly. It will, no doubt, be difficult at first, as your common-sense will rage against you. But we do not live by common-sense (naturally given by God) but by spiritual-sense (supernaturally given by God). Shut your mind off and listen to your heart. As I have walked countless people through this act, I have witnessed everyone of them feeling joy and peace in their heart immediately.

Interpretation of Tongues – the ability to hear an audible tongue given by someone else and hear it in your native tongue; meant to share with everyone present.

Each of these I have experienced personally, and each of these I have seen “fail”, only to see them occur in someone next to me. And the Holy Ghost will distribute them as He sees fit. Sometimes the Healing will come from your hands; other times, it will come from Johnny’s. And still other times, you will have the prophetic word, and Susan will interpret it.

I believe how we act in these moments, letting either pride or humility flourish in our hearts, will determine how the Spirit uses us next time. And because He refuses to work in the same manner twice, and instead uses each of us as a whole, He demands that all of the Church work together to get the entire picture. And that, I believe, is the root of all His devices; by holding back and distributing elsewhere, He requires the Church to stand together. The Enemy would have it we argue, fight, and divide ourselves; what greater thing would Satan want to divide us over than the very gifts Christ died to give us?

Humility. Righteousness. Faith. Boldness.

Act in these things.

*I emphasize the difference between Believer and Follower, because I see quite a difference in them. The former who merely believes, and goes about his day as usual; a life of sin, foolishness, doubt, and frivolous living. And the latter who follows to the ends of his understanding and then some; he who disappears himself, that Christ may be fulfilled until there is nothing left and only the Christ in him. There is no doubt some may exist lower than the Believer at the macro-level of Christianity. But the mere Believer I have found has become a frail individual and will be judged as such. Even the demons believe in Christ, but the Follower of Christ will become Him. Ironically, it is usually the Believer that sits closer at the table than the Follower, because the first shall be last and the last shall be first. The Believer wants everyone to know he believes the best; the Follower is content; quiet at the end of the table next the Holy Spirit, conversing about things that no one else wishes to understand.

**Baptism of the Holy Spirit. I do not believe this is something that magically happens when we are water-baptized. I believe it is an act of yielding completely to the Holy Spirit and can happen as early as Salvation or any moment later in a Believer’s Journey; therefore, I believe many Believers have been baptized into the Holy Spirit and are unaware. They cry out in worship, “set a fire in my soul” “more of You, less of me” “give me everything” “pour out Your spirit”, and He does. At which they fall into spontaneous emotion; crying, laughing, visions, overwhelming thoughts and ideas; and do not know what to do with it all until they learn to bolster it up in a box and leave it at the bottom of their souls.
July Musing

I recognize that I have acquired many new readers in the last month, so I will explain that monthly I review my personal journal, and in it search for nuggets or musings that I find provocative. Usually they inspire a full length article, or just as likely, they are standalone thoughts on God’s inspired Word. These are from the month of July.

There are hidden bits in my carnal soul that must be rooted out as well. I would love to get through Heaven’s gates with them still intact, but I know they, too, must die; the smallish amount of pride, bitterness, and ugly behaviour. For if this mustard seed of faith can move a mountain, surely a mustard seed of doubt can build one.

Christ tells us to listen to wise counsel, advice and wisdom from others; but He also pushes us to a state we do not enjoy and fewer people will understand.

The eloquence of speech is never the prerequisite to Heaven or Heaven’s ear; it is not by our flattering words we incline God’s ear, nor is it how we incline the unbeliever’s heart. By simple, foolish words, the Gospel draws men to repentance; not a show.

Prepare yourself to lead a quiet life; Chesterton reminded me yesterday how fame or notoriety can do little good, and usually just get in the way.

My goal is simple: lead a quiet life, mind my own business, and work with my hands. The world would have it that this way of life is selfish; they say it needs to be broader and more exuberant to reach further and “do” more. But I say, nay. Jesus knew how broad Rome was; but He focused on the 12. If I focus on my children, we will get to Rome later. And it may be the generations hence, i.e. Paul.

Changing the world has little to do with loud, moving, and flustered; especially anything to do with greed and manipulation.

Pride will be the end of us all.

It’s as though the more I loosen my grip on the desire for companionship, the more I receive it. As I searched for it, I could not find; As I searched for Christ, the more I found. But one can not learn this until they have experienced the feelings of absolute isolation.

I can feel lonely in a packed room; I can feel comforted in isolation. The difference is only Christ in me.

Living for the sake of living is not life; living for the sake of dying is. Earn your death.

I find such wholesome, honest, hard-working people in the country.

Obedience is God’s love language. If you love Him, you will obey. “Go to the other side of the lake”; “You feed them.” “Make disciples”. There’s no ‘why’ or ‘how’ explained. Only Do.
Desperate for Desperation

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5:3

This verse used to bother me a lot growing up. I had a strong “Word of Faith” upbringing and refused to accept the identity of Poor or Impoverished. What is it to be a pauper in spirit?

The Hebrew word ptōchos means a spirit that is begging and destitute of wealth. The state in which your spirit is an absolute vacuum, empty, formless, and hungry for something to fill it. That’s the spirit Christ chose to begin with in the Beatitudes; the one He runs to fill; a person who knows they need God more than anything on the face of the planet, and their spirit is starving for it.

All of us in this Western World live by “God helps those who help themselves”. And even those who refuse to acknowledge it, if they were really honest, would admit that they trust in themselves, their wealth and intelligence far more than they spiritually should. There is nothing biblical about “God helps those who help themselves”. God rolls his eyes at the man who thinks he can do it without Him, crosses His arms, leans back and says, “when you realize you are not god, I’ll be here waiting.”

God helps those who get over themselves and cry out for help.

There will never come a day when God stops chasing after you. He is waiting for us to get to the end of our spirit, the end of our personal abundance, and cry out for His; to that person, he comes to fill it; to the person who has lost all meaning, love and hope, He runs to them.

If a poor spirit is an empty vacuum, he wants to fill it. He wants to take the lost broken pieces of your heart and make a new delicate and glorious piece of pottery from them. He wants to take the piece that was thrown away and build a foundation on it. He wants to take the foolish things of the world and make leaders of them.

I long to be desperate. I’m not merely adamant; I am desperate for this desperation.

Yet I fear what it means to long for desperation, for I know what it requires. I am nearly as afraid of this as I am afraid of what it is to be without it. I hope the reader can understand this in their soul; desperation for God is the fear of Him; the longing for His absolute hand. And it is a fearful thing to fall into His hands. But I fear more of being absent from them.

There is something happening in my spirit that is further than I’ve ever gone before. And with it, a growing disturbance; that at the edge of this new thing, is the loss of everything that was once me—relationships, personality, dreams will all disappear and become subject to the Person of Christ. Thus, every couple weeks, I pull back and wind up back where I was; pitiful and selfish, lusting after the approval of men and women. But I believe the relapses are growing shorter and shorter still. Confidence replaces arrogance; truth replaces pride; discernment replaces bitterness; faith replaces fear.

I have spent a year with no understanding of my life’s meaning; tossed to and fro like a reed in the wind along the river bank. I have no idea what story God is creating anymore, because I have given up trying to force it. And it is this desperation that we must long for as Followers; that which Christ compels us to reach for; but we are so afraid.

This is why the love of money is the root of all evil. With money, I can decide where, how, why, and what my life will mean. I am in complete control with money; therefore, I am god of my life. But absent money, resources, ability, favor, talent, we are like the panting deer, wondering if today she will find food and water or be killed and eaten. Today, her life is utterly and terribly in the hands of her Creator.

I haven’t had a job or income for an entire year now. For six months, my family lived without any source of money, save God. And by the end of the period, we had ten times as much money in our savings than when I left my job.; miraculous and generous blessings that came from foreign and nonsensical sources, and always Desperation yielded such results. I have not the pride to act as though I did not curse God, shake my fist, and scream in agony for what He put me through.

But I know that I have put this upon myself; a lifetime of crying to God for Him to “find me, break me, put me back together, wash me, hold me in His arms forever.” I have cried such things, and was foolish enough to let Him. Now in the turmoil of a life in His hands, I live desperate for more Desperation. Oh, what a merry-go-round!

Three times in my life, I have felt absolute and definite misery. (Though, other moments I perhaps thought were far worse than they actually were.)

Once: when my parents told me they would divorce; here, I found myself at a pond, beating my face in with my fist and crying out to God. He heard me and came in the form of a church and friends that would give me a safe place to grow, learn, and worship for years to come while my parents were lacking.

Twice: when my son was intubated, squeezing my finger for life, and begging me to help him with his inaudible delicate eyes; here, I collapsed in a sunken puddle of faithless worry, the feeling of fraudulent faith heaping on my shoulders; too great to carry. God heard me and answered in the voice of my wife and friend: “by His stripes, our son is healed”; “did you think living a life of faith was going to be easy?”

Thrice: when my ministerial world was shattered after a lifetime of dedicating my ambition and time to it. I no longer felt I could trust anyone I followed or led alongside. Here, I was abandoned in a whirlwind of doubt and mountain of fear; thrown to the side and forgotten like discarded trash. But He was with me and held me in His arms. He sent those who could cry and listen and bless, and while nothing has made sense, our hearts have been full knowing that He sees us, is with us, and this was His will.

You must understand that my eyes cannot stay dry when writing such words, and I refuse to allow you to pity them. It is this pain and suffering that produces passion like a mother produces a child. It is through this, healed and saved by grace, that I can stand and declare the Truth of Jesus Christ. Places where most men and women fall and give-up on faith; these are the places I have deepened my understanding that Christ is far richer, fuller, and more powerful than my parents, child, or ministry. In Christ alone is fulfillment, and only until we understand this can we walk full of joy in the face of tribulation. Christ came to give joy in tribulation, not joy absent it.

Thrice these moments of absolute misery invaded my life that led to absolute Desperation. In the first, though long and arduous, my agony was short-felt, shrouded behind the absent-mindedness of adolescent life. In the second, my time in the hospital with Harvey was 26 days of Heaven and Hell duking it out before our eyes, and every day, Heaven prevailing; a constant and powerful testimony of truth and power. Hell, yes, was present, but only for the first half, until we understood fully what Christ was doing through our son’s life.

…But this third time; this desperate, confusing, holy, terrible, and despicable wildness that has surrounded my life for the last year has been long-suffering that I have never felt before.

My absolute moment of Desperation was sometime in November/December of 2022, when I lost faith in…everything. I left the house, eager to make a sliver of money Door-dashing, but was met by bumper-to-bumper traffic on the north end of Merritt Island; not one vehicle moved for 90 minutes. Here, the bubbling pain erupted; I had lost faith in myself, my wife, our purpose, my life, and wanted to give up on all of it. I was ready to end my life then and there if it would somehow provide for my family.

I screamed to God. I hadn’t lost faith in His presence, but I had lost faith in whatever the Hell He was doing with me. I screamed, begged, pleaded, and demanded He do something. I had sown my whole life into His hands. Given everything, and what’s more, put every bit of my future on the line. I had stood up for what I believed righteous and holy, and listened to Him, and walked away from the only job I ever loved; it wasn’t a job; it was my identity. And, God knows, that was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. I had made ministry and the praise or admonishment of others far greater than my identity as a Son of God. At first, when I left my job, it started out exciting and fulfilling; I experienced the presence of God and His will in it. But I would discover the roller-coaster had more valleys than mountains.

“I gave everything to You! I trusted You! Do something! Do something! Right now!” I screamed until I had nothing left in my lungs.

In that instant of crying out—(my God, it’s amazing how I can relive this feeling and moment in an instant and tears fill my eyes)—my friend Bryan called me. I looked at the phone and immediately declined it. I hadn’t the ability to act like I was “okay”, and that everything was great in my life, and assure him I had made the right choice walking away from ministry. I hadn’t the power to lie to him or myself again. So I declined his call and resolutely gave up on my prayer to God.

Eventually, I got out of traffic. I made my way back home after another thirty minutes and quietly went to sleep. Along with my inability to “fake happiness”, I hadn’t the ability to express my pain to my wife. So I slept.

The next morning, I poured out my soul to Carlia. I told her I doubted everything I had ever done. I told her I was afraid my purpose on earth was done and that I was meant to die. I told her I didn’t know how to provide for her and our children anymore and that I seriously considered ending my life to acquire a life-insurance policy for her.

(It’s funny, because even now, I’m weeping, not for sorrow, but joy. And my dogs run to my side to lick my face and assure me that everything is going to be alright.)

At the kitchen table in our previous home, my wife held my hand and told me she believed in me; and what’s more, in what God was doing in our lives. We decided to get out of the house, and all of us, even Maple (our dog and undoubtedly one of my best friends) to go hiking in Little Big Econ Forest. We packed up the car and left.

God found me again in those woods, and I remembered that all I ever loved or needed was His presence, my family, and a forest.

When we finished hiking and Carlia took the children to the bathroom, Bryan called me again. I had reacquired the ability to fake happiness for him, so I answered this time. He told me that Accounting had messed something up on last year’s W-2; I had an envelope with a Corrected W-2 waiting for me at the church. I would have to file my taxes again and perhaps would make $50 or so through it. I told him “thanks” and moved on with our day.

The following evening, I was preparing to leave the house, Door-dashing, when Carlia encouraged me to file the Corrected W-2; in her mind, if it made us $50, that was a night’s worth of Door-dashing, and enough reason to spend the night together. I conceded and went to work on the taxes while she prepared dinner. And then God shattered my world again.

Desperation is the spirit of a pauper, and Christ calls it blessed. We are blessed when we come to Him poor of ourselves and desperate for Him. I have lived a year without a job, now, and six months of that time my wife has been able to “flutter” at a job that she loves and fulfill a lifelong dream of her own—a dream, that she had given up on to let me lead as a pastor, and to mother our children. Our children have matured and grown in their understanding of real faith and joy, as they have seen and heard these stories and conversations as well. We have kept nothing of our pain and faith from our children, encouraging them to pray and believe, and thus, they have seen the moving hand of God in our lives. Desperation is the life panting after Christ, and without any of our own devices or means.

When I completed the adjusted taxes, it declared we had nearly $9,000 waiting for us from the IRS. Money that should have come to us eight months prior, but God held back for when we would need it most; in a time of Desperation, and crying out, He heard me and answered. “Do something”. And He did, long before I ever knew I needed it.

Now, the cynic will say that “God didn’t supply that, the IRS and a mistake did.” And I’ll say, “you’re a fool” and stop reading my words because it’s clearly going in one ear and out the other. Our God saw our end from our beginning and held the reins. And He still is. He gave us a way to live without a job for another six months. And that was only the beginning of His wild blessings.

I confidently declare that my moment of Desperation was the turning point in our dark season. From there, doors began opening and closing that we find hilarity in. And while I refuse, for now, to share the depths of such things, I can say that the difficulties have refused to end, and my pain and suffering is still very present; but greater than all these things is the Love, Presence, and Faithfulness of God and the fruit it produces in our lives.

We are healed, made perfect in the image of Christ and nothing can change that. A life of desperation is a life that lets loose of all assumption, expectation, and provision; it is a life that follows only Christ, and every day is both the adventure of life and death.

At one point in time, man lived like the animal; he worked with his hands, did his best to till and hunt, but ultimately relied on God to bring the rain, sunshine, and food he needed. He was okay dying at the age of thirty, because he knew he lived his lot for his Creator, just as the deer is fine with today being the beginning or the end. This Poor Spirit is desperately needed in the Church again, for boys to become real men and girls to become real women; no longer subject to our ability, money, or resources; but desperate and defeated apart from God.

I cry for Desperation in my life; yet I fear what it will produce in the short-term, on the path to the long-term beauty. God is not finished, and He will not be this side of Heaven. And all I can say to you through this—I encourage—I plead—I beg of you—get Desperate for God; uncomfortable with comfort; agitated by mediocrity; and long for holiness, righteousness, and God’s will to be done on earth as it is in Heaven. But prepare for the consequences of such a thing.

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5:3

Spirit of Fear

I saw a fly hovering next to me;
She didn’t know I watched her watching thee.
She rubbed her hands together and came close,
But I swat her away before she touched your throat.

Miracle Max’s Snake Oil that actually Raises the Dead

There are many of Jesus’ characteristics on trial this generation. Many dismiss Him as merely a teacher or cult leader. Even in the church, plenty is discussed and scrutinized about homosexuality, women-teachers, money, end-times, justice, and on and on the list goes. But one characteristic I recognize has been thrown so deep under the rug, we don’t even know we are dismissing it: He is the Great Physician.

Sure, many of our favorite songs keep praising Him as Healer. But I don’t see many preachers sharing the depths of what this means and explaining the authority the Believer has to heal the sick, raise the dead, and command diseases to flee. It can be brushed over, and abhorrently muddied with “God loves doctors”, and “God heals through medicine”, and “let’s heal your soul instead”, and “let’s be patient with what you are asking from God.” I’m not directly saying these statements are evil. But I am questioning whether they are sprung from a place of fear and disbelief shrouded behind the face of “wisdom” and “realistic faith”.

What is Healing? And does Christ heal? These were statements so foreign and silly in notion as a young man, because my church spoke and taught so fervently about them. I remember months of Wednesday night studies of Watchman Nee’s Spiritual Authority. Annual week-long revivals with Andrew Wommack leading the charge and teaching us. Pastor Dave Ellis wouldn’t let a soul speak something that was anything but “life”.

But I must admit, in recent years, my lips had grown stale and my heart quaked when I thought of the power of the Almighty here to heal. I felt a pressure to not share because we in the westernized church demand ourselves to be “less exclusive” and available for anyone. Don’t be “weird” or you might scare someone away. Which is a ridiculous notion when you think of how Christ usually started his interactions with Healing and the teaching came secondary.

So, I recognize that this teaching needs to be shouted more. I find many churches afraid of the fruits of the spirit (more on that in a few weeks); they want to merely know everything, yet not practice anything.

Does God heal? And will He heal you right now?

Miracle Cures have been around since long before Miracle Max was raising the Dread Pirate Roberts from the dead. And they will continue in some form or fashion until the day we all go to heaven. Now they are called Essential Oils. And half of all the mothers in America are now mad at me for saying so.

But the Holy Spirit is not snake oil. And from the Holy Spirit is the power to heal an infirmity or restore a life in the name of Jesus. To many that have grown up with too much earthly wisdom instead of childlike faith, this sounds too good to be true. And such will dismiss it as they don’t understand the wonder-working power of Jesus; that it’s His plan and His word that promises us not only that will he heal us, but that He has already.

The following passage was written 700 years before Christ, prophesying what He will do on the Cross for our sin and sickness:

Surely He has borne (carried) our griefs (sickness)
And carried our sorrows (pain; physical and mental)
Yet we esteemed (thought, imagined) Him stricken,
Smitten (struck, wounded) by God, and afflicted.
But He was wounded (slain, pierced) for our transgressions (rebellion)
He was bruised (crushed) for our iniquities (guilt, punishment)
The chastisement (discipline, correction) for our peace (completeness, soundness, safety, health, prosperity, peace from war, peace in tranquility, friendship) was upon Him,
And by His stripes (wounds, blows) we are healed (to heal, make healthy, literally of personal distresses and natural defects or hurts).
Isaiah 53:4-5 NKJV (parentheses include a deeper understanding of the Hebrew word)

Does God want to heal you?

In one of the villages, Jesus met a man with an advanced case of leprosy. When the man saw Jesus, he bowed with his face to the ground, begging to be healed. “Lord,” he said, “if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.” Jesus reached out and touched him. “I am willing,” he said. “Be healed!” And instantly the leprosy disappeared.
Luke 5:12-13

He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed.
1 Peter 2:24

Christ is willing; Christ is able; Christ has done it. That’s why His scripture says, “you are healed”. There’s no “you will be”, “if”, “when”, or “maybe”. You are healed.

Like salvation, we know that receiving His salvation differs from Him giving it to you. He gave us salvation over 2,000 years ago. But it takes each of us receiving it to acquire it. In this manner, He gave us authority, health, and provision 2,000 years ago. But it takes us receiving it to acquire it.

You could say, “If He wanted me healed, He would heal me. So healing must be only at His will and random, and I have nothing to do with it.” That’s as foolish as saying, “why hasn’t He changed the heart of my sister and made her fall in love with Him, rescuing her from Hell?”

He has healed us. It’s our unbelief, fear and death-speech that kills us. He has given us the power of life and death in our very words. And most of the time we spend our time speaking death instead of life. We say, “Oh, never!” “Oh, always!” “Of course, I got sick.” “It is what it is!” And so on, like weak little insects getting stomped on and thrown about by the wind.

Jesus came and told his disciples, “I have been given all authority. (Who did He take it from? Satan, of course! God gave earth and its authority to us when He made us. We gave it to Satan when we sinned. Jesus took it back when He died without sin.) in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.
Matthew 28:18-19 (After His death and resurrection; parenthesis added for teachings sake)

You have all authority in heaven and on earth. The only power Satan has is to scare you into thinking he has authority.

I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart.
Mark 11:23

Oh, “Move Mountains” makes a great T-shirt! Your neighbor will sell you one with her essential oils. But do we believe the mountain will move when we speak to it? Or do we say it, turn away, and hope God does something so we don’t feel foolish? Doesn’t matter, because we won’t look back anyway.

Here is the thing about authority. You feel real authority when it walks in the room. I’ve been in the room with leaders who don’t actually have authority. And they look helpless. They may get angry or belligerent. And I’ve seen someone walk in and the room becomes silent. Authority doesn’t demand or shout, scream, and throw a fit. It simply takes.

That’s the authority you have as a Believer.

Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.
Romans 12:3

The Father has given us faith through the authority given to Christ.

So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
Romans 10:17

Not from “having heard” the Word of God. But by “hearing” the Word of God. Just because I or some preacher told you once doesn’t mean you have faith to move mountains. You need to strengthen that faith. And that comes from hearing the Word of God. And hearing it, and hearing it, and hearing it…

Faith grows by feeding it the Word, and exercising it in everyday life.

“Most Christians feed their bodies three hot meals a day, and their spirit one cold snack a week. And they wonder why they’re so weak in faith.” F.F. Bosworth

Care not for what circumstance looks like. Care for what the Word of God says. Do not work out your faith based on experience, but believe God’s Word until such experiences fall in line with It. Do not trust in your experiences. That only makes the Word into a neutered, watered-down abomination of pathetic cowardice. It may help you sleep at night because it “all makes sense, now”. But it won’t get you any closer to Heaven. In fact, it’s the safe road—slow and gradual—that leads to Hell.

We walk by faith and not be sight.
2 Corinthians 5:7 NKJV

I was somewhere around age fifteen when I first fully grasped this understanding that God is Healer; that I need only speak with authority and believe, and I will be healed. I remember distinctly, one evening, I was alone in the house, laying on my back in the kitchen. My whole life, unbeknownst to my family, I had suffered from weak joints and ligaments. I ofttimes would stand from a laying position and dislocate my knee; dozens of times I snapped my shoulder out of socket while playing or climbing a tree. I was deeply afraid when it would happen, but refused to speak to anyone about it. During a week’s revival at our church, Andrew Wommack spoke about this healing power and I believed it. I was lying on the floor of my kitchen and spoke to my ligaments and joints. I commanded that they were healed and that no more would my joints dislocate. I stood from the floor and all my life henceforth, I have never dislocated a joint. Now, from time to time, I’ve gotten close, and each has brought with it a sudden tinge of fear. But I deny that fear and command it to leave as well, for God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.

I recognize that children and teenagers are actually quicker to grasp this than adults; adults you have twist the arm, change their way of thinking, or break down walls of “reason”, “experience”, and bad teaching.

Hence, there is power in the testimony, so I will continue: I was age sixteen. My sister was driving my friend and me to Daytona. We spent an afternoon there and, on the way back, it began pouring. My sister was not an apt driver yet and made some mistakes while taking us home. She panicked when another car “popped out” of the rain in front of us. And at 80 mph, on I-95, our Mazda 3 careened off the highway and flipped into the woods. We all climbed out, and most of us were unscathed, save the poison ivy we contracted and my face that was deeply scarred. Either from the airbag or windshield, the skin on my face had been pealed back and the entirety of it was dripping blood. I still remember looking down and seeing my protruding lip sticking three inches out and dripping yellow puss and purple blood. From the expressions of my weeping sister and shocked friend, I knew it was bad. I prayed on the spot and declared that in the Name of Jesus, not one scar would be left on my face within a week’s time. One week later, I pulled the last scab from my lip and have no scars from the incident; so much so that people do not believe the moment happened until I show them pictures.

One day, when AnnaBelle was very young, I was carrying her and slammed my third toe into a doorjamb. The bone instantly broke, turned sideways and swelled purple and black. I was in a fit, but didn’t have the time or money to concern myself with fixing it. I continued on in life. The next day, I was suffering from a migraine and lay in bed next to my wife. I begged her to pray for my healing. As she did, I felt my wounded toe vibrate and heard an audible click as it snapped back into place. (This is the beauty of miracles happening when we don’t even know what we are directly asking for, yet merely asserting our authority.)

Not many days after that, a young lady from our youth ministry called us in agony. She was suffering from a tumor in her stomach that the doctors could not find a way to help. She told us of the pain and asked if we would pray for her. I snatched the phone from my wife’s hand and declared passionately, “Whitney, you are about to see a miracle.” I spoke to the tumor, and she immediately felt a sensation like a balloon popping inside of her stomach. The doctors confirmed that the tumor had disappeared.

This will help some of you get over the idea that God only uses some to heal. My daughter was three or four years old when I asked her to lay hands on me and pray for a migraine to leave. She spoke in her soft voice, “Headache, go, Jesus Name”, and the migraine left instantly.

When Carlia was pregnant with AnnaBelle, we went for regular checkups, as one does. One such visit involved the doctor informing us that AnnaBelle had cysts on her brain and it was likely to lead to Down Syndrome. We prayed over the cysts and commanded they leave. The next visit showed no more cysts. Sydney had the same diagnosis, to which we laughed and replied, “don’t worry about that. We will pray and they will leave.” The doctor was shocked and a bit ashamed of us. But by the next visit, there was no sign of them.

When Carlia was 32-34 weeks pregnant, she suffered from intense pain in her stomach. When we rushed her to the hospital, the doctor told us that AnnaBelle was suffering from arrhythmia and was likely to die if we did not remove her right then and there. The doctor was so eager to cut my wife open, that I had to demand she back across the room while I held my wife’s hands and prayed over our daughter. We spoke to AnnaBelle’s heart and demanded the doctor check her heart again. Four hours of an unsteady heartbeat had preceded that prayer; but now, the heart was beating a perfect rate again. The doctor didn’t know what to say and disbelieved it. But AnnaBelle’s heart has never had any side effects or evidence of a weak heart.

When my son was seven weeks old, he contracted respiratory syncytial virus, which led to streptococcus pneumonia, sepsis, and meningitis. They deemed him the sickest child in all of Nemour’s Children’s Hospital in Orlando, Florida. The story of which I cannot express, because it would take letter upon letter to explain. But we saw miracle after miracle, both in his life and those around us. At one point, he died, and we prayed for him to come back to life, and he did. My son is alive because of the wonder-working healing power of Jesus Christ.

And yet, one week after Harvey entered Nemour’s, a family moved into the room next door with a boy of the same age. He, too, had contracted these viruses and in a heart-wrenching moment of hell and pain, that little boy died exactly one week after Harvey did, and yet never woke up again. My wife can still remember the screams of agony from that mother who mourned her baby boy.

Why does healing work sometimes, and other times it doesn’t? Does God only heal some, and not others? Why did we have to go to a hospital if God can heal anything, anywhere?

Well, why is it easy sometimes for the Believer to find abundance in finances, or favor, or their words, or promotion? And yet other times it’s not.

Because God isn’t a slot machine.

And life isn’t a game. It takes more than all that. But just because it doesn’t work sometimes—just because I’m up against an enemy that wants nothing but to kill me and you and everyone, every day; damage us, beat us, depress us, deflate us, separate us; just because I’m up against a kingdom of darkness—doesn’t mean I stop saying my God is more powerful, more ready, and more willing to heal and make us whole.

It takes us standing in our faith and believing, in the face of all doubt and worry. I tell my children all the time when they are afraid of something, “you are brave. And you can’t be brave unless you are scared. Bravery is doing the thing in the face of fear.” The same is true for your faith. It wouldn’t be faith if you could see and understand. But you have mountain-moving faith. Now use it in the face of disbelief and doubt.

It’s like we are fighting in a battle—a war, on the front-lines—and leading the charge is the God of the Universe, the Holy Spirit; and we get shot in the arm, hit in the leg, or struck in the heart; and we sit down in the middle of the war zone and yell at the General for shooting us.

What are you talking about?! He’s fighting with you! Not against you!
And by the way, this General has the power to heal. The power to close those wounds and erase them forever. This General moves your wounds to His body and says, “let’s keep going. You take the pain; I’ll take the suffering. You take the testimony; I’ll take the death.”

The healing power of the Holy Spirit is with us; it stands beside us always. This isn’t snake oil; it’s the power of the Holy Ghost, able to raise the dead and heal the sick, and save our souls from Hell.

I can’t explain why something didn’t work. But I can stand on why it does. And that is the healing power of the blood of Jesus that is more than just a great lyric for a song. Use it. Demand healing. Exercise your faith. Hear the Word of God again and again instead of all the naysaying that you, your family, and closest friends might say. Speak the Word of God over your life. And nothing else. Until you see it come to pass.

And if you die with His Word on your lips, you die with good company and righteous reasons. For to live is not to live for living’s sake. But to live for death’s sake. Live like there is no tomorrow, with today’s faith on your lips. You have one life. Use it to its fullest and believe in the wildest things imaginable, for your Father in heaven has promised what He has planned far exceeds it.

You are healed. By His stripes. End of discussion.

Further Up

The clouds are rumbling; a storm is brewing;
Sounds like cannon fire on the wind.
I know this thing is just beginning,
But He’ll take me further up and further in.

Suffering, Changing, and Whatever God May Be Doing
Adventure waits for me to die again…

Recently, I spoke to a dear friend about suffering and pain given by God. And it inspired me to write. The notion discussed was whether God brings pain into our lives, or if everything bad is from the Devil. It’s funny how this idea can be so divisive and swing like a pendulum one way or the other every few years. Which I believe the Holy Spirit leads.

There is no doubt that pain can bring healing. Pain has its part in the birth of children, the building of muscle tissue, and cleaning out old wounds. It also has its part in death, abuse, and turmoil. It is difficult to make a snap-judgment like “everything good is from God and everything bad is from the Devil”. To me, it seems there are two types of pain. Suffering and Torture. But both yield to the same evidence that there is a Problem causing them. Not that pain is the issue.

Before I begin, I think it’s worth noting that the act of giving God credit for suffering “because it brought about goodness” yields to the temptation that we credit Him with all pain. With that line of thought, God killed Charlie’s mom to teach him a lesson in self-reliance. Your cough came so you can learn to slow down and rest. Barbara lost her daughter in childbirth because God needed her in heaven more than we needed her here. These statements are false. They are the act of forcing our doctrine to match our earthly experiences.

But I’m not discussing such tragedies at this moment. Those, we hopefully can attribute to an Enemy, Satan, causing death on the planet. But we will get back to that in a moment as well.

The truth is, God may give pain. In fact, he designed your body to feel pain, therefore, He knew it would come long before the Fall. It’s not like He said, “Whoops! Let Us add in this nervous system now that Adam has sinned.” Pain is evidence of a problem. Here, that Adam stubbed his toe on a rock. But Christ did not bring the problem. He brought the pain to tell you of it.

What is pain? What is suffering? These are very subjective words. What may be pain for someone may actually be pleasure for another. (And this can be further twisted and perverted by sin.)

Just as subjective and difficult to define is “happiness”. What is happiness? What is it to be happy? Is it a state of euphoria, pleasure, or joy? The happiness of any 11-year-old differs from that of a 40-year-old. Men find pleasure in different things than women. A person in poverty; another in bondage; a third in wealth—all find happiness in very different circumstances. What is the happiness of an American as opposed to an Indian or African?

If we read the Bible, we see Christ came to bring abundant life and the Enemy kills, steals, and destroys. We can all agree with that!

But the Holy Spirit killed Ananias and Sapphira on the spot for lying. Paul instructed us to “give him over to the Devil”. And, you know, all of Revelation…

And yes, I used New Testament references for those that claim “Christ fulfilled all that stuff from the Old Testament and they didn’t know what they were talking about”. I agree, many people didn’t know what they were talking about in the Old Testament because they hadn’t the Holy Spirit to reveal things to them yet. But it doesn’t remove God’s wrath and justice from the Word.

We mustn’t be afraid to trust God and ask Him troublesome questions. And in the search to answer “does God bring pain, suffering and death?”, we can lay down our personal beliefs and learn. And this whole concept, I would say I can not define perfectly. I can merely give you the revelation I’ve received, hoping that it helps. But a simple answer to every scenario is impossible.

I love used books. Books that are fifty-plus years old. I don’t mind the scratches, tears, and dings. All of that brings character to it. I feel as though I’m holding a piece of history. I have several books that are over two-hundred years old, and I cannot read them because the paper will crumble if I turn a page. But I don’t mind, because it warms my heart to see it and know I have it in my library. And I buy the same books over and over again because I love finding other copies of them. I have four copies of Perelandra (and Josh Ellis has one held hostage I demand back from him!) because I can’t get enough of holding those pages in my hands. My father likes to tell me about new books and new movies that I must read or watch, but I always let him down when I refuse to do so. Because I don’t find pleasure in a new book or new movie. Only in a good book or a good movie. And usually those are the ones I’ve already read or watched.

Videre licet, I despise Change. Let me rephrase that: I despise Change for the sake of Change.

I’ve had enough ups, downs, twists, turns, and surprises for the sake of nonsense in my life. My parents’ divorce, losing a scholarship, a sibling run away, a sibling losing faith, getting dumped, getting betrayed, car accident, car accident, car accident, car accident, car accident… first kid almost died, second kid almost died, third kid died and then raised back to life.

But God is in the change. He is in the new.

Christ refuses to let you and me stay the same person we were yesterday. And though tradition is good, I’m not meant to be a toddler anymore. We are not meant to have our mother wipe our rear ends, dad drive us to school, and whine until food comes before us.

Yet, humans typically want that if we are honest with ourselves. Having someone clean us, drive us around and provide us with food sounds very easy. The Israelites longed for slavery again because they wanted the easy life so badly. “If only the Lord had killed us back in Egypt,” they moaned. “There we sat around pots filled with meat and ate all the bread we wanted. But now you have brought us into this wilderness to starve us all to death.” (Exodus 16:3)

Change is hard. It can seem alluring and exciting at first, but it takes work to do it right. The idea of becoming more self-reliant, starting a farm, growing a garden, and getting out of debt has been nothing but an upward climb, physically, mentally and spiritually, for my family. But I see the end from the beginning. I see this being necessary in a climate that is tanking financially and demanding unified reliance on government instead of God. I’m out on that, and so should you. But it’s taking the fight to grow my own food, raise my own livestock, and squeeze every penny until there are only absolute essentials. (And lots and lots of used books.)

Change is painful. People crave predictability. We lust after everything to be hunky dory. But God has always tied the miraculous to the new, to obedience, and to embracing the difficult and walking through the desert.

Abraham had to get up and move everything he owned and go to a place he’d never been before. He had to sacrifice his son on the altar (he might not have literally, but he surely did ultimately in his heart before the knife met the skin.)
Joseph was sold into slavery and imprisoned to discover wisdom and power.
Isaac fought through betrayal and manipulation, and had to move his entire life multiple times.
David lived in caves, fought giants, wrestled lions, and won wars.
Daniel faced every day wondering whether he should continue praying or yield to his king and friend.
Jonah was swallowed by a fish!
Esther had to stand up and die or watch everyone she loved eliminated.
Rahab risked everything for two men climbing a rope.
The disciples left everything and followed!
Jesus turned the whole world upside down. He is the Stumbling Stone, the thing that makes no sense, but holds the whole world in His hands.

Are you going to tell me that Jonah should have prayed against that fish that ate him and its stomach acid was his only food for three days? He should have cursed the fish that God sent for him?

When we read the Bible, we see that every time someone is trying to hold on to the past, for the sake of holding on to the past, sin and death follow.

Lot’s Wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.

We want to talk about all the old things that God did. And please don’t misinterpret that I think people did it wrong in the past. God, help me! We need to crave holiness and righteousness like our grandparents and great-grandparents did! We need that in us.

But I’m talking about how we chase after God, not whether we should at all! Looking at the past is Good. Testimony is good. The act of standing up and sharing your testimony is powerful. But it’s not the power. It’s just the reminder of the power.

God said it like this, “Forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new.” Isaiah 43:18-19

And when I come to this moment, I realize my thoughts betray me again. Because the act of changing for the sake of changing is just as sinful. So much of the church is demanding we “progress” and give up on trusting the Word anymore. I hear preachers sharing ideas that “it’s time we really stop disputing evolution, because we just look foolish. Admit it’s accuracy already.” These “progressive” insights that somehow-ordained ministers teach to interpret Genesis as nothing more than literary poetry. Theology professors are teaching that when God questioned Job with “who formed the world?”, it’s because He isn’t sure Himself and it could have been any number of other gods. Bathrooms are gender neutral, so we attract more people; homosexuals are ordained for the sake of inclusion.

What’s inclusive about the Word of God?

Absolutely, it is for the world that Christ died. He wants all of us. But don’t be fooled into thinking this Theosophic/Buddhist/Universalist invasion that has raped and pillaged our westernized world will be allowed across the pearly gates. Our pastors and flock are watching Marvel and Disney movies more than they are reading the Word, and now those under-the-surface demonic ideals are interlaced all over our beliefs. And we can’t tell our hand from our anus, and the tithe from the offering, or intercession from rebuke. Preachers talk about Demons as a “concept”, and use them to manipulate others into submission. God, help us!

Changing for the sake of changing is just as bad as holding onto the past for the sake of the past. We don’t do it for that reason. We hold on to the past because God is telling us to. Or we change because God is telling us to. The Past and the Change have no power. God, in it, does.

If all we ever do is try to hold on to the past, we will idolize it. We will lose the purpose of what we had and why it was great. If all we ever do is yield to the easy way, because we will look foolish if we don’t or have a difficult time in life, we are going to go to Hell. No “ifs”, “ands”, or “buts”. Follow Him. Or follow literally anything else to Hell.

Which leads me to the abhorrent fruit that God gives us with change and trusting Him.

“…the fruit of the Spirit is…long-suffering…” (Galatians 5:22)

Long-suffering. The etymology roots all the way back to a few words that mean “lengthy”-“death or passion”.

If you’ve heard me speak or write about passion, you know I’m quite fervent in my belief of its power. (If not, read it here in full). Christ went to the cross full of this “lengthy” “passion”. We save the world through our passion. This suffering is rooted in it. Passion itself is not positive nor negative. It is defined as pain or pleasure that comes from good or bad.

Therefore, we can extrapolate on this idea that pain itself is not negative. Merely neutral. No doubt, pain is uncomfortable. But “bad” or “evil” is the wrong way to understand it. Instead, we should attribute the cause of pain as the “bad” or “evil”. For instance, Christ had joy in going to the cross. Because His pain was demolishing the evil fate of mankind. If I were to pinch your skin, you may feel pain. But you would not pray for your nerves to stop feeling pain. You would simply slap my hand away and stop the cause of the pain. Pain is a signal sent to your brain through nerves that something is wrong. Furthermore, it may be beyond physical pain you endure. It may be emotional, psychological or spiritual.

If you attack the pain, you attack the incorrect thing. This is why medicines, narcotics, and self-help will never measure up to the solution. Numbing your senses with narcotics or a love-bomb doesn’t solve whatever spiritual or psychological attack you may be under. It simply takes the pain away temporarily. Until the problem finds a new way to hurt you.

I hear Christians pray for pain or discomfort to leave. And I cringe at the words. Pain is not the problem. The cancer is the problem. Curse the cancer. Curse the abuse. Curse the devil. Curse foolishness, addiction, etc. Don’t curse the one thing revealing it to you.

Christ is not in the business of taking your suffering away. If He was, He wouldn’t have set you and me up to face so much tribulation. He would have taken us from the planet the moment we said “yes” to Him in our hearts. He does, however, want us to grow. And through growth, we will endure much pain. The same pain that I would feel stretching and using my muscles. And the longer I waste my life in mediocrity, the more I let atrophy deflate my muscles. And hence, I have greater pain when I finally start using them again. If I were to pump myself full of drugs to numb the pain, I would only do my body a disservice. And many Christians are doing this very act!

So what can we really do about all this pain?

Confront it. Stop ignoring it. Do now what you need to do then. Or in other words, do what you know is righteous and true in Heaven—no matter how uncomfortable or difficult—as you know, you must do it eventually. If you know you will live a life in Heaven on your knees worshipping the Father, do that now. Do you believe your addiction will be in Heaven? Do you believe your bitterness will be tolerated across the threshold of the pearly gates? Are you serious that you think lewdness, side-glances and temptation will survive eternity? Do now what you will do then. Live a life of righteousness and stop giving yourself the excuse that you are permitted a few vices as long as you meet a notch above absolute mediocrity. Mediocrity! No wonder Christ said He’d rather you hot or cold. Mediocrity might as well be in the depths of Hell already, for you surely can’t feel or sense anything anymore.

If you have pain, ask why? Stop picking up your phone or pill to ignore it. Confront the conflict and face it head on. People are afraid of a little quiet, because that’s where their thoughts get loud.

I know you are suffering. And I know it is difficult. Christ knows. This season could be your hardest, if you’ll let it. Wouldn’t that be wonderful! For there is greatness on the far side of difficult. It’s the hard that makes it great.

Though, I suppose someone could refuse to let their hands get dirty, splintered, or calloused. You could always choose to have an easy, mundane, mediocre life. That is a choice of yours.

Or you could choose to run across a field full of stumbling stones. For Jesus, our Savior, who is both the Stumbling Stone and Rock of Offense, is also our Comforter, Shield, and Protector.

You may lose a lot if you trust God with everything. But Christ said follow Me. Not a formula, ideal, or movement. Those things require barely time or money. Christ requires all of your life, and the ability to suffer greatly for it. And you will certainly gain all He has in store for you, which is greater than you could hope, dream, or imagine. And it may not be this season, the next, or this lifetime that you even see the fruit of it. What right do you have for an answer, anyway? This is the God of the Universe you are demanding a comfy life from! Nonetheless, the fruit is promised, and if Christ promised it, then it will come.
```
Adventure waits
     for me to die again
The time of death and the death of time
Adventure stands
    without reason or rhyme
I must commit
    to remain uncommitted
My soul must long
    to never long again
My dreams too great
    yet never great enough
Adventure waits
Adventure waits
```
My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees. (Psalm 119:71)

For the joy set before Him He endured the cross. (Hebrews 12:2)

Now if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer. (2 Corinthians 1:6)

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said: “Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.

“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand.” (Job 38:1-4)

PostScript:

I recognize that there is verily the argument of prayers and miracles that a new Christian may see or experience when praying for pain to go. To this I would reply three explanations. One: someone young in the faith should always expect to see more miracles and more revelation than someone long in the faith; as Christ expects a newborn to grow rapidly with little effort compared to an adult. Two: Christ will always meet us at our understanding. If revelation and instruction aren’t available to the believer, He does not need certain words or phrases to be said in order to perform a miracle. He is not a genie, after all, but a personal living and present Spirit. And Three: God will do whatever He wants to do. And that is the point of all of this. If we are locking Him into a box, He will stop talking until we let Him back out.
On the Path to Destruction

“I believe there are few things greater to happen to a leader than to be removed from his office and given the opportunity to grow again.”

When we come to Christ as children, we learn that He only cares for two things: That we love and trust Him. And that we show others His love. Nothing else really matters to Him.

Nonetheless, there is a thing burning inside of us, deep behind the feelings of contentment, joy, peace and love. It’s up underneath our hunt for approval and gratitude. It bites at us with a notion that we are supposed to be the greatest at whatever we touch and go down in history as an amazing legend.

We shroud it behind a face of mission and passion, but if we were honest with ourselves, pride drives much of our ambition.

How do we get around God’s desire for us to live simple lives of loving Him and others when we have this almost sickening (surely perverted) desire to be famous and at the forefront of all that is brilliant? How do I balance what I believe is true—I am made to be confident and forthcoming!—yet, I know to be at the foundation of all my sin?

I’m not immune to pride. In fact, I’m detested by the amount of it in my bones. And I’ve learned the ugly lessons of subjecting myself to its will many times. I’m grateful for a father that pushed me down when he knew I was getting too high on my own accolades. Such a father that admitted his own mistakes and quickly apologized when he felt pride’s ugly disease-ridden face masquerade as his own.

When I became the worship leader at the youth church in Florida, I inhabited the position with qualities of passion and the belief that worship is for Christ and, second, our own souls to grow smaller in His presence. It is by worship we receive revelation, but just as much, we receive the character of Christ though humility and submission.

The former qualities of passion left their mark on many students following me. And for this, I regret nothing. (Though from time to time, I probably second-guessed some of the strong behavior I led with.)

For example. I remember a young man named Nick Clemetson joining the band. He was a drummer and pretty decent from the start. Sure, he had much to master in his craft, but he loved what we were doing and he was eager to help. That eagerness slowly waned over the months and years. As his expertise grew, so did his admiration for himself. In fact, I’ll never forget the Thursday evening when he showed up late to practice and walked in like a perturbed prima donna. I chided he needed to be there thirty minutes prior in a playful manner. But I was suddenly surprised when he turned his face at me with venom in his eyes and spouted, “you should be grateful for what you have!” This, I assumed, regarded the fact that we didn’t have many other drummers at the time.

I paused for a moment, took a breath, and immediately walked to the drum cage and opened the door. “Nick, you can go home. You are not playing for a month.”

He was flabbergasted and thought I was joking. I didn’t budge. The band waited in silence and awe as he left the stage and walked to his vehicle outside. Later, I told him he and I would do a Bible study together every week and specifically discuss the character of Jesus. And until I felt confident he was ready to join the band again, he would come to our practices and pray for us, but not play.

Nick is one of the greatest men I know today. He loves the Lord with all his heart. He is happily married, with a child on the way, and devotes himself to learning more and more how to be a man of God.

Some years before this incident, there was another young man in the band, Steve. He was a drummer as well. (There’s something about drummers, perhaps). And like Nick, he was the only one we had. We were desperate back then. I was commissioned to make an entirely youth band, kicking out all the old twenty-year-olds, and teaching the teens how to play. Steve was good from the start. Real good. And at some point, he knew it. He stopped attending our weekly practices. He showed up late. He listened to his iPod while I was talking to the band. He rarely joined the conversation.

Finally, enough was enough. I told him unless he attended our weekly practices and showed up on time, he wasn’t to play that Wednesday night. Well, the following Tuesday, he skipped out on practice (we had different days for practice back then). That Wednesday night, he showed up ready to play, and I looked him in the face and said, “No. You are going to worship from the other side of the stage.”

He was shocked. And so was the youth pastor. He asked me if I was serious about not having a drummer in our band. I was. And for two weeks we went without a drummer, and the music was dismal. But I didn’t care. Because perfect music isn’t what worship is about. It’s about our hearts. And if our hearts are messed up, it doesn’t matter how good our music is.

Do you know I’ve spoked to worship directors at mega churches that tell me their paid band members are fighting and cursing, throwing about “Mother Eff-bombs” backstage only seconds before leading their congregations in worship? And these directors throw their hands up like a parent at a loss, and smile crookedly, “Well, what are you going to do?” Kick them out of the mother-flipping band! That’s what!

I got a call from Steve’s grandmother the following day. She expressed in harsh words that Steve deserved to be on that stage because of his talent. I told her I believed Steve had a case of pride. And too often, when I approached him about these things, he would argue with me. I compared it to Adam, who complained and blamed all of his shortcomings on Eve, the serpent, and God Himself, instead of taking responsibility for his own actions. She cut me short and said, “Exactly! He should argue and put the blame on others! It’s his god-given right!” (I’m curious, to which god she thinks gave him that right.)

Steve never came back to the band again, and I don’t think he came back to our youth ministry either. I saw him several years later outside of a Publix, on his way to Army deployment. We had a pleasant conversation, and he thanked me for all I ever did for him. *There has never been a Steve in our worship band. I changed his name to make you happy.

This sort of punishment to pride continued on and on over the years. In fact, I don’t think anyone made it through our band unscathed. At some point, the ugly demon would pop up in their lives, and I was quick to squash it. I never threw a student out; though I probably wanted to. I merely told them to come to practice, pray for the team, and do a Bible-study with me in the meantime. And when I felt they were ready to come back, they would. A few left altogether. Most made it through. And God was glorified.

When I took over the youth internship as youth pastor, I brought the same sort of practice into that as well. I remember Aden Johnson getting removed from his leadership position (“Captain”) for a similar reason. He was only out for seven days. And that was a stretch. The kid had just too much moral character. He snapped out of that crap faster than a June Bug hitting an aluminum roof.

But one Captain… Oh! One Captain goes down in the history of the most ridiculous fodder I’ve ever had to deal with.

This girl—let’s call her Julianna—joined the internship in seventh grade. She was a gem from the start. Clearly understood the Word and had faithfulness all over her. She was confident, articulate, and had the apparent qualities of leadership. When she was in eighth grade, I broke my rule of having only high-schoolers as Captains, and appointed her. She did great at first, but slowly something strange started happening.

In those days, I was getting stretched to multiple roles and maybe didn’t have my eyes on it as much as I would have liked from the get-go. I had to trust in the opinion and observance of other leaders, both adult and student. Julianna was getting haughty. And vicious. She would snap at other students and put them down. Soon, no one but the youngest of young kids wanted anything to do with her.

I spent a few months intentionally teaching her and others around her about pride, submission, servanthood, and trying to root out the little worm that was growing inside of her. But it wasn’t working. So, I did what I normally do when people are cruel. I make fun of them.

Now, I know what you are thinking. “Keith, that doesn’t seem very Christ-like.” And you may be right. But I don’t care. When people are stupid, they should be taught a lesson. And if they are too thick to learn that lesson, they must be shown it.

I remember it all accumulated when I gave Julianna an award for “Most Likely to Judge Others.” Which I still applaud myself for coming up with. (Oh, there’s that Pride in me we were discussing.) Anyway, she took the punch with a chin up and actually started getting better. It snapped something inside of her and for a few months, she was more compassionate and loving. She listened and received instruction and was slower to speak. Other students started hanging out with her more and it seemed like we were turning the corner. We had a number of one-on-one conversations that I thought were going well.

And then the New Year passed, and her disposition tanked. For some reason, and I still do not know today, her behavior changed radically; she was belligerent and argumentative toward both adults and students. Enough was enough. I pulled her aside and told her I wanted her actively involved in a one-on-one Bible study with my female administrator, Hannah, and that she was on probation. If her behavior didn’t change in the coming months, she would no longer be a Captain. Which in and of itself, if we are honest, is not that big of a deal. It’s not like we are talking about losing salvation or grace. I say this because of the brewing storm I was about to walk into.

The next day, I received a request to meet with Julianna’s parents. They came in, and without saying a word, her mother pulled from her purse the award for “Most Likely to Judge Others”, smashed into pieces. She threw it into the garbage and said, “We reject your words.” I giggled at the sentiment’s obvious irony, and let her continue.

Then this woman pulled out her Bible and read it to me, trying to prove a point that I was unfit to not only be a pastor, but to lead youth. This went on for an hour, before I finally got the husband to speak and realized that he was a pretty sensible guy. He was probably the root of anything decent in Julianna. Because her mother was nuts; argumentative, pompous, belligerent, and downright vicious. But anyway, I realized it was going nowhere early on and tried to explain my love for Julianna, of which I had a significant amount. I spent three years teaching, leading, loving, and empowering her. And like all students, I refuse to let them stall out. We grow up, and not down. And when our character is out of gas, someone needs to kick-start us. And sometimes, that kick-start is a kick in the pants.

I learned over the years in leadership that most people love when you speak your mind and tell the truth…to others. But they don’t like it when you tell them the truth about themselves. Things get very uncomfortable, and the haughty spirit rejects instruction. It wants to know everything and be ready for everything. Therefore, leaders themselves are subject to the greatest falls. Because they have risen so high, ofttimes in their own imagination, and the fall hurts smacking the ground. But I believe there are few things greater to happen to a leader than to be removed from his office and given the opportunity to grow again.

In Genesis, God gave Joseph a dream. And this dream led to pride. And that pride held him imprisoned for decades. Don’t mix the dream God has for you with pride. It wasn’t until Joseph learned he was nothing without God that he finally realized the dream God gave him as a child. You will never get to the dream He has for you until you receive the character you require to obtain it.

Pride, jealousy, and greed sift through our lives; it’s almost as if we would not exist without them. Without the desire to be the greatest, to push others down, to compare oneself and any self with another and my own.

When we meet people, their names come secondary to the prejudice of clothing, hair, attitude, accolade, culture, and upbringing. That’s why we immediately ask someone, “What do you do?” Because we are hunting for the comparable information. When we introduce ourselves to others, we admit information that will push us up, avoid anything that will damn us in the eyes of those listening, and quickly explain away anything that might shine a negative light on who we are.

So how do you live to be the greatest—that desire festering deep in there—without becoming a selfish sinner?

“Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.”
1 John 2:15-17

The sin of pride comes from the fear that if I don’t puff myself up enough, no one will, and perhaps everyone else will find out I have just as much dirt on my face, maybe even more, than those around me. Someone will find out I don’t know everything, and I’ll get thrown away.

Pride, in itself, is a trick. One to make others feel less, that I may feel greater. It is intimately connected to shame. If you boast about yourself, I would ask, “What are you so ashamed of? And why are you insecure?”

Because pride will lead you face to face with your shame eventually, I’d much rather talk about shame instead. For those who are truly ashamed have just learned by now that their pride ran out and they can’t keep lying to themselves.

How does shame work? It tells you that you aren’t good enough and that God won’t love you. It makes you retreat and hide from Him. Adam and Eve hid themselves in shame of their wrongdoing, not because they suddenly thought God was evil and angry. No, because they thought they didn’t deserve His love that they knew He was ready to give. Shame, by this definition, is the understanding that we do not deserve God’s love. Pride is the masquerade that no one deserves our love.

When we have shame, we retreat. When we seclude from God, we get afraid. When we are afraid, we are susceptible to more sin. When we sin, we become ashamed.

Round and round we fear, sin, and hide like a merry-go-round sinking underwater.

Jesus loved us while we were yet sinners, so we can come up for air. The presence of God makes us unafraid. Fearlessness makes us strong in passion. We grow bold in our convictions. Therefore, we do not sin. That’s why it’s the goodness of God that leads men to repentance. Not the rules or law. You can’t scare someone into true submission of the heart. You can scare them into submission of the mind or body. But the heart is what God is after. He knows fear will not lead to your salvation. Therefore, He did it the hard way. Loving our selfish, sinful, pitiful selves until we learned who God really was and so chose to change ourselves forever.

Let go of shame. And let go of pride. We all have dirt on our faces. And we all need to be knocked down from our position from time to time to remember it. Or else the destruction may be far greater.

We may have a desire to be great and hold magnificent status. But the truth is, when you die, most people won’t care or remember you. Oh, there will always be close friends and family who talk about you for a few weeks or months, if you are lucky. But most everyone will continue on in their day-to-day lives. In fact, the most famous people that we talk about years, decades, or centuries after they are gone are superficial relationships at best. Most people don’t know Mozart’s or Oppenheimer’s first name, and they only know something they did, not who they were. We don’t know who Robin Williams really was, just that he made us laugh for a couple of decades.

Most people will die and be forgotten. It’s only our children and grandchildren that, on long and seemingly random days, will remember us after we are gone. And those kin will either remember us as a saint or a demon. So I say, your family may be the most important aspect of your life that you try to “get it right” when it comes to being a hero and legend. All others won’t give much care to your absence. My great-grandfather is a legend in our family, not because he was perfect, but because his character shown through; he loved Jesus with all his heart, and he repented.

So, in all this, I say, strive for excellence in your family. Lead and love them well. Chase after all God has for you, but remember that living a simple life of loving and trusting Him and showing others love is the whole summation of it.

Oh! And I never saw Julianna’s family again. Though I still have a note that the girl wrote months before the altercation with her parents, thanking me for all I ever did for her.

I’m sentimental that way.
A Season of Foundation

The last year has been quite remarkable. Upheaval and turmoil. Joy and gratification. Pain and meaning. Suicidal thoughts of absolute regret followed by thoughts of pure meaning and spiritual purpose.

I’ve come back to a place in my mind often, wondering: “If I knew then what I know now, would I still confront my employers? Would I plead with them for what I considered paramount to the ministry and health of our church?” The result of that conversation was heartbreaking, yet exciting nonetheless. I was trusting God and listening to the Holy Spirit, standing up for injustice and doing my best to honor the king while he was so clearly naked. The excitement of it all lay in the unknown. A restart! How wonderful! But that anticipation gave way to bitter sorrow soon after every expectation was dashed and every idea thwarted. None of the road turned the way I imagined and took far longer to travel.

So when I ask myself, “Would I still have done it, if I knew then what I know now,” some of the chief things that affirm my decision are: seeing my children thrive and mature faster and in greater ways than I ever could have dreamed; my love and admiration for the Lord and His Word grown exponentially; my wife’s dreams coming true again and again; and, sadly, knowing how many former “friends” were willing to portray my wife and myself as “devil-worshipers”, “brain-washers”, and “sickly deranged from the effects of Covid”. (What a wonderful and sorrowful thing it can be to know what people really think of you!)

So I move onward, and the healing has been rich and lengthy. I find joy on the mountainside working with a saw and hammer alongside my father. I find purpose holding a hen in her sad, final moments. I find hope watching my kids face their fears. I find comfort in my wife’s soft arms.

Exhausting. Yes, indeed. This is exhausting, working with my hands. So much so, that I’ve barely written a thing on this website. Whatever sort of routine there has been was balanced around teaching my children, tilling my land, building structures, restoring a farmhouse, and finding a community. But now, at the end of what seemed like the first “season”—a Season of Foundation, let’s call it—I find the elbow room for a new routine. One that includes regular public writing.

Don’t misinterpret my words. I’ve been faithful to write every day, just as Hemingway suggested. But those things are deep in a journal that someone will have to lift from my cold fingers when I’m long gone.

Instead of my mere musings on the morning rise, I plan on jotting down the public things for subscribers to read again. Sermons and nuggets. Poetry and journal entries.

Greater still, I’ve come to realize the Dolor Series needs a significant overhaul. I’ve mulled it over for a few months now. How can I find inspiration in the thing I left behind? Whilst Florida weighs such a significant part of my heart, the truth is that I’ve moved toward something far heavier, and live in my true home, now—the one I realize I was made for all along. I have already begun the preliminary research on how to do this rewrite and will begin immediately. In the meantime, the first manuscript will remain up for you to enjoy, but slowly the chapters will evolve and some disappear altogether, only to be replaced by much more resilient and, hopefully, better writing.

Aside from that little thought and update on where I am, here are some further things I’ve journaled in the month of June:

It is by abandonment and recklessness that I hear the Voice of God and see the manifested Heart of the Father.

Oh, what if all the days of my life could be spent with the Father! May I not rush to work, but rush to Your presence.

People want to be followers of Jesus’ Movement, rather than Jesus Himself. To follow Jesus means to leave everything. To follow a movement requires only a little time or money.

A prayer for myself leads to selfishness, which leads to rebellion, which leads to witchcraft. A prayer for his friends is what led Job out of hell. So, pray for others, I tell myself.

The soft, scared and seared, politically correct, self-help factory that most churches are turning into would never have made it out of the first century. The Church is meant to be fiery. Help us, Lord. Raise up leaders and pastors that are unafraid and full of the Gospel.

A raven represents wisdom and death. She is a bird overlooked, yet always heard. A bird thriving and never dying. Bring the ravens and they shall feed us.

Perhaps why I love fiction so much is that Instructional Books seem to get people from A-Z too quickly, when most of us need years or decades to finally get over ourselves and learn the lesson. Good fiction takes people on the journey, and that journey may be interpreted at different times of our lives.

To search for personal justice is the root of atheism, because it leans on my own understanding instead of the Lord. It longs for things to be made right and my life appeased. But it shall never be on the earth or with earthly people. Justice lies only in Heaven and from God. Desiring a life that makes me “feel good” about everything is petty. Instead, enter into the Master’s Happiness and stop caring and waiting for everything to “make sense”.

Do now what you will have to do then.

I feel almost guilty for my lack of apparent love for others. I fear I have grown cold. But in my heart I feel I have grown up. Few people now warm my soul like Christ does. And even fewer do I turn toward. I do not despise others. Namely, I find joy in everyone I interact with. There is just no sense of need for them like I need Heaven.

Florida is barely a memory. And yet I do not feel at home in Tennessee yet. I wonder if that means I have no home on earth.

The world keeps screaming “self, self, self,” but John said, “He must increase, I must decrease.”

It takes effort to be noble. Which is why it is worth it. Everywhere I look, Christians are sacrificing integrity, honor and nobility for convenience and pleasure. Alcohol, lewdness, marijuana/CBD, therapy, cheating, shortcuts, bitterness, backbiting. These things are far from the Kingdom of God. All things are lawful, but, surely, not all things are beneficial. At some point, we must decide to strive toward nobility.

I wonder if ever I could fully trust in God. How desperate I am to become desperate!