Keith G. Alderman

A Prophetic Dream to Save the World

I was late to helping my parents on their property; I was busy watching a movie with an old friend that I had lost touch with on account of his frivolous attitude and lack of maturity. But he had a new last name: Solomon. My parents were curious who I referenced because they did not recognize the name. But once I told them it was the friend from long ago, they were delighted to know he now lived in Tennessee. The movie we watched was some new Christopher Nolan film—the amalgamation of many of his more recent films: “Tenceptionheimer”. It was boring, slow and uninspiring; well-made, but had nothing to say.

Now, I had a sudden and detrimental mission before me. Some unknown force of terrorism was plotting to destroy the world—everything, everywhere, everywhen–if a specific video, sent by them, weren’t found and uploaded to YouTube by 8pm that evening. I employed the help of a haggardly looking lady, whom easily appeared to have suffered addiction and prostitution in her more recent days. She had the file and the two of us went to a secret government facility to transfer it and upload the video.

We were led, evidently too easily, inside the facility by a mysterious individual with shaved head and numerous tattoos. Unbeknownst to me, while we were feverishly trying to transfer the video—searching for cables, computers, and information—the Tattooed Man was tying my ankles with cords. The woman recognized him as someone working for the terrorist organization, and at that moment, he attacked me. I hit him hard with a piece of the computer equipment and broke his neck.

At this, my soul desperately wanted to awake. I was aware that I was in my bed, and I struggled to stir myself several times. I thought that in the natural world I would have the simple solution to merely walk away from this crisis and dust my hands from all of it. But I could not move, nor could I open my eyes. I drifted back into sleep until I and the woman were engaged again after the man had been killed.

I was at a loss. The man was dead, but he had wasted so much of our time and we now had only 2 minutes before 8pm. It was an impossibility.

Then I heard the Lord stop me. He told me everything was going to be alright—and I had the strong sensation that I was with Him in the boat amidst the storm after He had just awakened from a nap. He told me that even if the world ends, we still will have each other in Heaven. I desperately wanted to be with Him there and now. Wave after wave of peace and hope fell upon me, and I was basking in the joy and love of Christ. Nothing mattered any longer except to be with Him.

Then I was in the room again, next to the woman. I looked at the time on a phone and saw that it was 7:39pm. My watch was wrong; we still had plenty of time. I removed a Cat5 cable from a printer and plugged it in to the computer. It did not fit at first, but I removed a piece from the end before it connected. The file transferred; the video uploaded. Nothing made sense.

I believe you may be in one of two places. The fear, worry, doubt, and pressure of pushing and striving far further than you have any business doing with the anxiety that time is running out. Or even the place of having given up, or trying to force yourself out of the fight—trying to wake from a miserable reality into one that is easier to “forget” all of that.

Rest assured in two things: Christ is with you, and none of this truly matters. At the end of all of it, we stand beside Him in heaven. No amount of failure or success will determine or alter that; furthermore, the “follows”, “accolades”, and “victories” you compile on earth will have no effect on the place you are going; only Christ and His love do.

When you realize this, you will see you have much more time than you thought. And you will be operating from a place of wisdom and peace instead of working out of fear and anxiety. The tools will be right in front of you, attached to the things that were in the way before; and though they may not fit at first, they will. People from your past, whom you thought a nuisance and dismissible, will carry wisdom and friendship toward you. And those whom are ugly and broken—though they may not realize it—will help you as well.

I believe God is calling you and me to live from a place of peace, joy, and wisdom. None of this bull-crap matters. The movies, messages, soap-box preaching, and riots might look flashy and be well made, but they aren’t really “saying” anything. And the fear and worry of what’s coming next doesn’t really amount to a hill of Bush’s Baked Beans.

And once we realize that, we will have the tools to fix it.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

Remember your Creator before the silver cord is loosed,
Or the golden bowl is broken,
Or the pitcher shattered at the fountain,
Or the wheel broken at the well.
Then the dust will return to the earth as it was,
And the spirit will return to God who gave it.
“Vanity of vanities,” says the Preacher,
“All is vanity.”
Ecclesiastes 12:6-8
A Council Darkly

A Council Darkly
Chapter 1

“Leave your regrets here to regain life there.”
– Nunnehi Proverb

The moon shone her soft, shimmery glory down upon the blue-grey forest. Under the crushed black shadows of the spindly forest-fingers, three peculiar figures huddled together in a secret council of grave concern. A cerulean haze formed round the first, who was nothing more than the ghostly translucent image of a man from long ago. Beside him, and nudging its long, valiant snout into his vaporous side, was the dimly, black and white shape of a magnificent unicorn. And before both of them was the grand, hulking silhouette of a very tall and long-haired man, whose eyes flamed white in the darkness.

“The stars have spoken, David,” said the Hairy Figure; his voice was rough like loose gravel over a tarmac. “This marks the final dawn afore the Convergence arrives.”

“’Tis an excit’ng moment in history, Tsul ’Kalu,” replied the Ghost enlivened; his voice was sweet and smooth like wine and rose-hips.

“Hush yourselves, lads,” warned the Unicorn, stern yet cautious. “We do not need the forest to know what we scheme.”

“Kananeski Amaiyehi has spok’n t’ the trees,” replied the Ghost. “We needn’t worry.”

“’Tis not the trees I’m worried of,” said the Unicorn.

The company silenced themselves and gazed into the darkness, listening to the still calm of murmuring crickets and long rolling exhale of the Unicorn. A tree’s branch creaked overhead and they heard the flapping of a bird’s departure; they waited a moment longer until hearing its distant squawk from over the mountain.

“Is your plan set?” Asked the Unicorn.

“I will bring the world of men a gift,” replied the Hairy Figure, Tsul ‘Kalu. “And with it a warning.”

“I must ‘dmit,” said the Ghost. “I still find it foolhardy.”

“We must at least try to speak to the world of men, David,” said the Unicorn.

“The stars do not yield us all the particulars we may want,” added Tsul ‘Kalu. “But they are faithful to deliver the ones we need.”

The Ghost nodded.

“I will be returning to my mountain in Tsunegunyi, tonight,” said Tsul ‘Kalu. “I shall guide Ahyoka to Newton, and leave her there until I return.”

“Wise, my friend,” replied the Unicorn. “Why are you smiling, David?”

“I’m not grinning from jest, my friends,” said the Ghost, David. “I am merely confident—and therefore, a bit excited for—the children.”

“Their coming brings me joy as well, David,” said the Unicorn to the Ghost. “Yet sorrow is in my heart tonight.”

“I know it, Diamond, my brother,” replied the Ghost and he put his translucent hand out to touch the Unicorn’s mane. “We shan’t all live for’ver. But on the far side of death is an etern’ty.”

“Easy for you to claim,” replied Tsul ‘Kalu. “Some of us want to hold on to what life we have here and now.”

“You trust the stars ‘nd world of men,” replied David. “But I ‘ave seen the end from the beginning. I know the salv’tion of our forest hither not lie in conversations ‘ith politicians.”

“Udo-Hiyui!” exclaimed the Hairy Figure, forgetting his whisper and finding it again after the look on his shocked companions’ faces. “It lies in battle,” he whispered.

“I am not certain of that either, friend,” replied the Ghost. “My faith is in what ‘as been set in motion from afore Time began. And they shall be here soon.”

“What will you tell them when they come?” Asked the Unicorn.

“Only of what they must hear,” replied David.

“Then you will not tell them of what shall happen if they enter?” inquired Tsul ‘Kalu. “Will you not tell them of the treachery upon their family?”

“The op’ning of that gate shall ‘appen regardless of what I reveal to them,” said the Ghost sternly. “And ‘ny amount I del’ver them must be filt’red through what ‘as already been said and done.”

“Then you truly believe it has already been done?” Asked the Unicorn.

“It has been written in the stars, Diamond,” answered Tsul ‘Kalu. “And though I disagree with much of David’s words and how he goes about—I do agree the children are an important part of this story. The stars tell me that they must walk through this pain if they are to wield our salvation.”

“I am not in doubt, Tsul ’Kalu,” replied the Unicorn. Here, the Unicorn looked the Ghost fiercely in the eyes. “I only pry at you, David, because I must know for certain that you will let them fail on their path to success. This will not be easy for them, therefore, it will not be easy for one who follows his heart as much as you yourself.”

The Ghost nodded slowly, mulling the words in an uncharacteristic fashion. He looked emphatically in the Unicorn’s eyes. “You know greater than any that my faith is willing to sacrifice those I love the most,” he said.

The Unicorn bowed his head. “Yes, well, that’s a bit different.”

“There is always the concern that the children do not enter the forest,” mused Tsul ‘Kalu.

“Of course they shall!” David exclaimed, grinning.

“I have not doubts in the stars,” continued Tsul ‘Kalu. “But I do in these deeni-yoli.”

“This counsel tempts traveling in circles,” interrupted the Unicorn. “Has not David seen they were the children to come and accomplish this feat? Has not he witnessed the Convergence from before it became? Is not he the one to guard the Atagahi? Has not our centuries of preparation and waiting led us to this moment? Why do you speak with such falsities now?”

“Forgive me of my fear, Horse-King,” replied Tsul ‘Kalu. “It is not my intent to doubt or worry. And it is not in my bones to hold such. Yet, I fear for my Ahyoka and kin. And you must admit—by the very concealment of this counsel—that you too, believe it is easily feared.”

“I do not fear the truth,” replied the Unicorn. “I merely understand that lesser animals may not comprehend it.”

“If we let these children undo the protection we’ve held in place for centuries, in a moment, all could be lost. We won’t be keeping Utlunta or Uktena at bay—we will be letting the most diabolical Creature to have ever come from Creation walk into this forest again. And if the Lake isn’t protected—”

“It shall be, friend,” said the Ghost, smiling. “That pr’tection was set in-to place cent’ries past.”

“And if I fail? If Diamond fails? And if the children fail?”

The Ghost smirked at Tsul ‘Kalu. “I promise you,” said he, “that if all failed and th’se ch’ldren ne’er accomplished this—the gl’ries of Heaven would save th’s place afore it let som’thing as pitiful as Time d’stroy it. Now, enough of this di’logue. Diamond is correct—it travels in circles. Depart and take your bride again. One day, I believe you shall look upon th’se ch’ldren as I have, Tsul ‘Kalu, and then—you shall see the misery you have brought upon me today to speak ill of them. And you, Diamond, pr’pare the Fae-folk to flee; I hope that none ‘re lost in the dis’rray. Come, friends, let us pray afore the much we ‘ave to do.”
A Note from the Author

A Note from the Author

I am excited to announce the completion of my manuscript rewrite to Book One of the Dolor Series. After months of praying and listening to the Lord, I believe that He wants me moving in a drastically different direction of this source material.

Pulling from direct Cherokee Nation sources, American History, and diving deep into the East Tennessee landscape, I intend to tell the fantasy-story I’ve always wanted; one that mesmerizes young people and teaches them the lessons of a life full of joy, hope, laughter, faith, integrity, and how to grow up amidst the pains of estranged families, heartache, betrayal, and loss.

This story was initially conceived while I watched my children play together on a playground three years ago. It couples the adventures (both make-believe and real) that I went on as a young boy, with the stories and dreams my own children have experienced. The wonderful, adventurous danger of C.S. Lewis, Richard Adams, and Mark Twain have foremost inspired me; not to say Jack London, J.R.R. Tolkien, Edgar Allan Poe, and Lemony Snicket haven’t also left their mark.

Each week, I will post a new chapter in the adventure. The bones of what made the initial story are still intact, but the world in which it lies is vastly original. Now with 16,000 more words, several additional chapters, and a whole slew of new characters; I hope you enjoy The Ghost of Atagahi. And, please pray for me as I search for the right agent who can represent it into its publication.
Augustine

A journal in the month of August.

Fear and Bitterness keep men from discovering what He has for them.
Courage and Humility take them to the depths of His plans.

I do not think we are crushing our younger generation with our “harshness”; rather with our inattentiveness. We distract ourselves until we cannot see them any longer. Thus, we teach them to look for an identity in a similar location. Our biggest fault as an older generation is that we do not care. And our lack of care is evident in our obsession with families other than our own.

All things become lawful, but not all things are beneficial. In listening to His Spirit, I discover what is right and wrong. Sin isn’t a right that we attain after receiving Christ; it is a right we give up when we find Him. I once sinned because I thought I needed it. I do not sin because I know I only need Him.

There is no holy fear; no matter how sensible.

I heard once that God cared about specific locations in the earth. The truth is that God cares about the place where the Temple resides. In that Old Covenant, it was a location; in the New Covenant, it is mobile in our chests. God does not care for the ground you stand on, except that you are standing on it.

Those who have a hard time understanding God is Father and not Mother are those who would define gender as the greatest significance. When in fact, gender is nothing more than the product of the Spirits of Masculinity and Femininity. God is Masculine and the Spirit of Masculinity rests in Him. The Spirit of Femininity rests upon the earth and in the Bride of Christ. Our Mother Earth is important, but she is subject to our Father; we do not worship the Creation, but the Creator. In the Bride are those Masculine (Men) and those Feminine (Women). Their spirits produced their genders. Even still, some men may appear more Feminine and some women Masculine—but this does not alter their gender, identity, or spirit. And no matter how Feminine God may seem at times (a “hen over her chicks”), it does not change that He is Masculine and Father. Extinguishing the Spirits of Masculinity and Femininity was the first step in exalting gender instead of the lesser gods that it derives from. The last step will be removing the Personality of Christ. In the end, by the work of the Antichrist, Christ’s image will appear as an amorphous hermaphrodite that neither thinks, feels, nor cares and none can rely upon. The Antichrist Spirit wishes to make us forget Christ, or at the very least, misunderstand Him, thus rendering Him ineffectual in our lives. Embrace Masculinity in Men. Embrace Femininity in Women. They are the basis of our empirical Story.

I am afraid to forgive fully, because I fear it will require me to forget fully; and in forgetting, I may stumble upon the same snare that caused my hurt. But I want to forget; and verily I want to forgive. So let go and trust the Maker Who Made to do a good work. This is the “entering happiness” the Master calls us to. You are free and the snares are off of you.

To be healed is to be unaware of health.

Fear will search for warmth in the worldly things, just as Peter searched for a fire among the Praetorian Guard after denying the Christ.

The sinner will try to justify his sin, pass the greater sin to another, and ignore his conscience. The Pharisees knew sin was in their hearts. If they truly believed Christ was a defiler and demon, their law would stand by their killing him. Yet they sent Him to Pilate because their souls told them otherwise.

Humility is not defined as one’s ability to put oneself down. Humility is the pleasure of knowing who you are and letting God boast about you. Let another man’s lips praise thee.

There is no moral ambiguity with Christ. He is the Standard. He is the Truth. Thieving, infidelity, promiscuity, narcotic-use, and lying as a means to find a sense of righteousness is not righteousness. It doesn’t matter how many people you have following you—if you are leading them to Hell, you are no greater than the one ant who brings his colony poison to feast upon.

One of the worst notions a pastor or leader can do is compare their building-plan to that of Nehemiah rebuilding the wall around Jerusalem. Nehemiah built to protect God’s people and let them worship again after three and a half generations of death, rape, and slavery. In this day and age, it’s actually closer akin that of Solomon’s. But neither comparison is preferred; as isn’t any building-plan altogether.

Usefulness. This word is not the worth or value of my life. There was none more capable; yet meek, still, and—by the world’s standards—useless than Christ. The temptation in my heart is that I must accomplish something grand in order to be valuable. But this is not true. I do not look at my children or animals this way. I do not look at my wife this way. Only upon myself for some God-forsaken reason. It is a damnable desire to work toward something for recognition. Conversely, walking in the spirit will yield no visible results.

Obedience may lead you down a life without riches, fame, or material possessions. But it will lead you into the Person He has called you to become. Obedience led Christ to the Cross; and it appeared meaningless. It was His legacy, after come and gone, that was everything. You can obey God, or you can turn out like the majority.

Christ came to bring Holiness. Not happiness nor satisfaction. Holiness is the Person of Christ. Our words and very lives must inspire others to discover the holiness Christ has given them; and further propel ourselves into the holiness already residing in our hearts.

There is no doubt I am a shepherd. My heart is in Faerie-land. Though I appreciate the Philosopher’s point of view, I find much more pleasure in the fields with the livestock and stars.
The Cave God

I find perhaps the greatest reason for me to believe the Return of Christ is nearer today than any presupposed time before is that at this time across our globe, we—as people—are more like the three figures present in Christ’s birth.

The Shepherd’s— the poets and pagans, lost and searching for something miraculous.

The Wise Men— the philosophers and intellectuals hungry for knowledge and science.

And Herod— the murderous and demoniac who sees and feels his world being ripped from underneath him.

The Shepherd is a simpleton who is fine being simple and sees and seeks the beauty in the world. To him, it displays the miraculous; and in his pagan view sees the gods, faeries, and mysticism all around.

The Wise Men are philosophers who ask why and never stop.

Both search the world over, and both are represented in the history of the Greeks—the mystic scholars.

And both found their answer in the cave with a baby born of a woman, requiring breast milk and tender care; while also God Incarnate and full of supernatural wisdom.

I see much of Greece in our world today. It is in this, foremost, why I see the end of this chapter approaching—or perhaps the beginning of an uglier one.

Herod is here. And by his malevolent decree, all newborns were slaughtered under the demonic worship of Moloch; his power being upended by God in the Cave. And as his hatred for Truth grew, gnawing and foaming at the mouth, he sought to destroy Life and Truth in the name of Humanity.

How far will Greece have to go before we are drawn to the Cave where the infant sleeps? The convergence of miraculous, fantasy, philosophy, power, frailty. This small cave where all of religion, myth, and philosophy fit into, yet no other myth or philosophy can hold. Greater, grander, and fuller than anything ever known.

God become a cave-man that a cave-man could become a god.
The Rocks will Move (Blessings)

On the very first night we moved into our 100-year-old farmhouse, a torrential downpour came flooding in and filled our basement with about an inch of the water; the water had come up the drive through the garage-door below, and wept through the cinderblock wall.

We knew it was an issue and almost immediately began assessing the causes. The biggest of which was an asphalt wheelchair ramp installed at the back door. This channelled the water right up against the house and created a sump. The water had nowhere to go but down until making a pond under earth and eventually seeped through the walls. After removing the ramp, I’ve spent months redirecting the flow when rain comes, digging up clay and creating inclines away from the house. Another major issue I found recently was the rubber seals around the garage door into the basement were eaten away from years of degradation.

Every time I thought I had it solved, another storm would roll in and I’d still have weeping in the basement. The amount has decreased by nearly a hundred-fold. But I want all of it dry in a storm, as anyone would, before I coat the basement in dry-lock and be done with it.

This last weekend, I was ruminating on what else it may need before the next storm and concluded that I need rocks. The clay just holds the water too much instead of pushing it along. But the last thing I wanted to do was spend money on rocks; no scratch that—the last thing I wanted to do was tell my wife we needed to spend a thousand dollars on rocks. Investing in two home renovations, a farm, and all our animals has waned our allotted budget, and rocks were never a part of the plan.

I relinquished to focus on the other things and wait for the next storm to concern myself with it again. I had more important things to do, such as demolishing the inside of the other house.

Monday, I dedicated a few hours to tearing up the floors and their TWO-THOUSAND STAPLES!! in each room. There is nothing less-rewarding and more physically demanding than hunching over a piece of OSB and pulling an old rusty staple jammed between the baseboard and flooring, five hundred times in a row.

I finished it up, felt decently accomplished, and determined to shower, read, write, and rest for the rest of the evening. As I walked across the lawn, I heard a peculiar crunching sound coming from the front; it piqued my interest, and I went to see what it may be. To my surprise, I had heard a car passing-by, driving over a mountain of rocks that had fallen off some large dump-truck taking the hairpin turn at Liberty and Black Oak.

I grinned and ran inside to get the kids, telling them to equip a pair of closed-toe shoes and get ready to work. In a few minutes, the four of us were at the corner with four shovels and a wheel-barrow, slowly but surely, filling the thing in the blazing-hot August sun. It took us several hours, and we were finely exhausting and thirsty by the end. We trucked eight full wheel-barrows up the hill and into our backyard; but we have a brand new rock garden around the back of the house, at about a twelve degree incline, to drive rain away. The cost, I estimate, would have cost us $1000.

What we must learn—essential for our well-being—we can do things our way, or we can do things God’s way. And when we put our trust in Him, He will dump a blessing in your front yard.

But this blessing may look like an absolute mess and road hazard to many passers-by. This blessing may cost you your time, rest, and effort. It may push you past your limits for the day; and it may require multiple people to come beside you and help. But in so doing, your children shall be blessed by it as well. This blessing will be work; this blessing will be ugly; this blessing will be an accident to someone, a hindrance to most, and the exact answer to you.

Essential; we must learn to be ready in season and out of season. Whether or not we are finished for the day, as Peter was ready to give up after fishing all night.

I could have ignored the peculiar sound and kept walking inside. Do not close your ears to what God is saying to you!

I could have admitted exhaustion and given up for the day. And in so doing, my blessing would have no-doubt been reported and cleaned up by the county by the following day.

Keep listening, believing, and be ready to work.

That work was some of the most-rewarding physical work I’ve ever done. I can’t remember the last time I made $500/hour.

And finally. For two hours, our neighbors passed us by, waving, gawking, or bewildered. They saw a man and his three young children in the scorching sun cleaning up someone else’s mistake and making the road safe again. Your blessing, though it be hard, unfortunate, and unpredictable—if you are committed to getting dirty and exhausted—will act as a service to your community and spread the love of Christ.

What else can I say, but—prepare for the rocks to roll and prepare yourself to work hard when they do, for a blessing is in the mess.
A Prophetic Word for Right Now

The Lord had me silent this week, and silent in many things. I fasted and sought Him and early this week He gave me a dream and vision before my open eyes; but He told me to be silent until now. And now the interpretation of it has come to fruition. The dam has broken with my fever and I must write this right now. Forgive my sloppy writing, because there is no time for niceties and grammar.

I dreamt a dream; I was standing on my hill before my garden. And the garden looked healthy and alive. But there was a hole in the yard. A groundhog had burrowed underneath and ravaged the roots of the garden. The garden was now three-fourths dead. There were no more leaves or fruit, only stems of what once was.

I dreamt a dream; I was walking through a sanctuary and removing books from a bookshelf at the back. The people were gathered in their weekly service, but refused to look at me. They were interested in the showmanship on the stage. I removed all the books and left.

I awoke from a dream and saw before me a gray wall. On the wall were four ticks crawling up it. I reached out to crush them, and then I wiped the vision away and saw my bedroom.

I believe there is an attack from the Enemy on God’s Church right now in three specific ways. And I charge you to pray with me over them, both in the Church as a whole, for your personal church, and for your personal life.

Firstly, I believe that Satan has sent groundhogs to dig underneath the foundation of what is the Christian faith and uproot. The damage hasn’t been seen because the garden looks nice upfront. But the roots are being pulled and the garden will whither and die.

Secondly, I believe that God’s people are fixated on concerts and charlatan speeches that they are not seeing the wisdom and Message of the Cross being removed.

Thirdly, I believe that blood-suckers are crawling the walls of the church to suck the righteousness and sanctification out in the name of creativity and liberality.

Pray. Pray for our Church to crave the fundamental things again. The things that are elementary and necessary: baptism, laying on of the hands, worship, communion, prayer (corporate, intercessory, and private), grace, mercy, humility, love, long-suffering, the gifts of the spirit and the fruits of the spirit, and above all His Presence. Pray for our Church to hunger for the Word, to incline their ear to Wisdom, and long for the Message of the Cross above all things. And pray, pray, pray for our Church to repent and snuff out the lie that we have allowed to fester; a lie that says righteousness, holiness, and sanctification do not really matter as long as we keep getting more people to say they believe in Jesus. The blood of Jesus is being sucked out and we must combat it. Finally, pray for yourself that you would long for His Presence; listen to Wisdom; live in Humility; repent from sin; aim for righteousness; hunger for the Word like an addict; and devote your every waking moment to seeking Him more. It is the pure of heart that will see God. Now is the Time.

He is the God of the Universe, and we are His children. The dam has broken. Get on your knees and pray and watch the Holy of Holies move.
Nonsensical Gifts to Change the World

For somewhere near ten years, I’ve seen the Holy Spirit on trial. And He is not interrogated or cross-examined; for doing so would reveal His power and intent. But He is ignored, thought little of, and judged without an ear to convict. This has dismantled the wonder-working power of the Holy Spirit in our Church.

Now concerning spiritual gifts, brethren, I do not want you to be ignorant…
1 Corinthians 12:1

Nevertheless, I tell you the truth. It is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I depart, I will send Him to you.
John 16:7

The fatal responses I’ve heard in the Church about the wonder-working Power of the Holy Ghost, whether present or not:
“Those things only happened in the First Century…”
“Those things are the works of the Devil…”
“I don’t need the manifested gifts, I just want to know Christ intimately…”
“We haven’t time for all that right now…”
“It’s just too weird to do such things, and we will only repel the unbeliever with them.”

Elementary, these things are. I thank God for those like my father, Dave Ellis, Ray Goolsby and Dan Stallbaum, to teach me the truth at such a young age; that anything else would only make me chuckle.

We cannot discount or disown the gifts of our God. Why would we? If for no other reason than fear and confusion—both brought on by the Prince of Darkness.

The gifts are promises to us, written of, and expressed by Jesus, His Disciples and Paul. If they are not present in your life, it is a reflection of your absentmindedness, confusion, sin, or ignorance.

Nonetheless, they are present all around you, ready to be received and used, just as salvation is ready to be received by the sinner.

If we have not the promises of God, what do we have? Yet too many preach that the promises are dead, and Believers* walk about their lives as though they were. The Follower of Christ should lead a life displaying the works and wonders of Christ, both in character, righteousness, love, and miracles. Throwing out an entire portion of this life—proclaiming that miracles “are a distraction” or “only for some”—usually is done by the Christian who leads a life of pride and insecurity.

No doubt, it is a fearful thing to step into the miraculous. It only comes from an understanding that we are nothing without the Christ, and it is His gift, not our own. When our pride tells us we are noteworthy to receive such a thing, the well dries up; or when our insecurity tells us we are unworthy, the river stops running. And not because It is reliant on us, but because we are reliant on It.

So, in like manner of believing for healing (which I wrote a few weeks ago here), we can see that “it doesn’t always work”. Well, that is not a strong enough reason for us to give up on believing. God is not a genie; nor is He on your timetable.

So you finally got over yourself to give it a shot and said in your heart (if not there, at least in your action), “Alright, Lord Almighty, You have thirty seconds to perform a miracle; without my fasting, prayer, life of sinless behavior, or faith. In the name of Jesus, I test You to perform a miracle through me or else I will know for certain that You only ever did such a thing two thousand years ago.” What pompous, insecure profanity we are capable of living!

Or we sub-consciously declare, “I just haven’t the time. I’m certain He performs miracles, but I’m too busy with ministry elsewhere to stop and listen to Him. I’m above all that.”

Or we “act” the part of Believer, conjuring up a feeling, but walking away before we see a result, “in the Name of Jesus, it is done; now I must look away and walk on before I wait to see if what I believed manifested.”

Or, God-forbid, we ignore the moving of the Holy Spirit because we are fearful others will reject us or we will irritate them with our taking so long in church service. For the record, pastors, if a church-member leaves the church because you took too long yielding to the Holy Spirit, then they are not true Followers of Christ (but I’m getting off topic. I’ll speak on “performing” church next week.)

Absolute faith derives from absolute humility and obedience. Without faith, we cannot perform miracles; without love, our miracles will dry up.

(*parentheses indicate a deeper understanding of the Hebrew)

There are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit.
(There is the division of favor given not by merit, but by He the Holy Spirit of God.)

…for to one is given the word of wisdom through the Spirit,
(the intelligence of the written or spoken word or doctrine)
to another the word of knowledge through the same Spirit,
(the understanding, specifically moral understanding, of the word spoken, given, or heard)
to another faith by the same Spirit,
(conviction of the holy truth)
to another gifts of healings by the same Spirit,
(healing received with no merit of their own)
to another the working of miracles,
(the operation of the power of God)
to another prophecy,
(conversation between God and oneself to admonish the sinner or encourage the saint by foretelling the future)
to another discerning of spirits,
(the judging and discerning of holy spirits, evil spirits, and/or the spirit in a man albeit on, influencing, or possessing)
to another different kinds of tongues,
(the ability to speak in unknown languages)
to another the interpretation of tongues.
(the ability to understand those unknown languages)
But one and the same Spirit works all these things, distributing to each one individually as He wills.

1 Corinthians 12:4; 8-11

Unfortunately, this passage of scripture is usually taught without the subsequent chapters. Here, Paul is not looking to explain the gifts of the Holy Spirit, but to emphasize the pride and insecurity that potentially bubble up in the Church from them. That’s why following this passage, he discusses the Body of Christ having many members and none of them being greater than the last.

It is not a passage on whether miracles will or should happen. All of these gifts should happen in all of the Believers’ lives, not because we are special enough to receive one or un-special enough to fail to receive (as some would have us learn); but to accept that the Spirit of God will distribute them however and whenever He sees fit. Our humility, faith and obedience will let them work through us. Our pride, doubt, and reluctance will thwart them.

The problem that many Believers face when reading this scripture is that they get overwhelmed and impressed by words that were common to Paul at the time; and should be common in our lives. If all of us were working in these gifts as they were in the First Century, we wouldn’t be scrutinizing whether Paul said that only some receive them; but we would understand Paul is saying to stop being prideful in the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

Here, I emphasize “of” because they are the gifts belonging to the Holy Spirit. They are not “from” Him, meaning they are not a gift He gave, and we have acquired and now own. They are a gift “of” Him; and therefore able to be taken away when He sees fit. And this is the heartbeat of all this message.

Paul said that he wished all spake in tongues, and even more prophesied (1 Corinthians 14). And again, all of this before and after 1 Corinthians 13. He emphasizes that we cannot manifest the Power of God without Love, or we are loud, noisy, and useless as a gong; big, powerful, shocking, yet ultimately leave no impression but hurt and battered ears. Plenty of Believers work the miracles of God without love, and in so doing, shock and attack, and leave the listener with a hurt understanding in the wake.

Furthermore, Paul addresses that speaking in tongues, without an interpreter, is only for the individual speaking, as they are solely edified in so doing; but those listening gain nothing from it. Which is true! If I were to preach in gibberish and nonsense (as the word “tongues” means), you would gain nothing from it. Although, I myself would be greatly encouraged—which is why I speak in tongues as much as I speak in English in my day-to-day life. But I do not preach or pray for others in that manner. Although, I may pray in tongues before I pray in English over an individual—but this would be to align my heart with the Spirit of God, that I may discern and know what He would have me pray over that individual (especially because most of us ask for prayer not knowing what we need it for.)

But the idea that we should “never pray in tongues”, or never in front of another, is nonsense. We should not pray only in another tongue; there is a difference.

Praying in tongues is lovely and life-giving to the individual. I would go so far to say it is necessary and even elementary. Yet sadly, many of us place it so high on a pedestal that we either never touch it or debate it ceaselessly. Elementary indeed, as Paul said, these base things that you have forgotten—when can we go on to greater things?

Nonetheless, it is greatly needed that I discuss such things; although I wished that all of Christ’s Followers knew and executed these things.

Defining the Gifts.

Let me first warn that to define the Spirit or His Gifts is foolhardy. The Spirit does what He wants when He wants; that’s His prerogative. All I can do is give the simplest understanding, with the further notion that all of His Presence in your life will depend on your ability to act humbly, obediently, righteously, and faithful. Without those characteristics, and especially with the opposite of them, you will only dispel the Spirit’s move in your life until you are left with watered-down milk. No, not even milk—but watered-down milk will be your portion. Though, it is not perfection the Spirit seeks, but willingness.

Additionally, none of these should be “performed” in the sense of a show or to gain notoriety or fame; “if it is without love, it is only a noisy cymbal”. Historically, the gifts of the Spirit have been used for the performing individual to feel famous or special, and this is a misfortune; but that misfortune doesn’t extinguish the necessity for their presence in our lives. We will only ever understand Christ’s love and Person if we know His spirit well. Lean into Who He is and why He is speaking to you. And remember that the gift is not what the Follower follows or becomes addicted; it is the Person of Christ we become.

Words of Wisdom – the sudden wisdom necessary for another or yourself in making a life decision. Wisdom goes only as far as someone is willing to take it, and it is never specific. Usually imagery, metaphorical, or proverbial.

Words of Knowledge – the direct and spontaneous, perfect knowledge of something otherwise impossible to know. This could be about an individual, place, or situation. My personal belief is that this should never be paraded, but disclosed delicately, depending on the content.

Miracles – the act of healing, raising life from the dead, sudden financial blessing or deliverance from demonic forces.

Prophecy – the ability to foresee and call out those things that aren’t as though they were. The prophets in the Old Testament saw destruction. The prophets in the New Testament see the promises of heaven. Prophetic words are about propelling people to what they themselves cannot see or understand until they take the first step. Prophetic words can be interpreted very differently and ofttimes are considered vague or less direct as a word of knowledge or wisdom; however, they can be specific and terrifying to the individual receiving them. I believe strongly that prophetic words should never be looked down upon, nor ever blatantly received as the Word of God; therefore, a community of like-minded Followers is paramount; if you receive a prophecy that confuses and confounds, share it with someone you trust and test that word against the infallible Word. Prophecy can come through visions, the Word, dreams, and the audible voice of God.

Discernment – the ability to immediately sense the spirit of God or kingdom of darkness over an individual, place, or atmosphere.

Tongues – I suppose it makes sense that those in and out of the church would most ridicule this gift; because it wears foolishness on its sleeve. Yet our Bible says that He will take the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; we can only come to Him as children. I will take a moment longer explaining Tongues; as I just had a conversation last weekend with someone expressing their frustration with their church’s lack of teaching on it.

Tongues is babbling; it is nonsense. It makes absolutely no sense to the speaker or listener (*most of the time). But it is not for Wisdom, Knowledge or Prophecy. It is for the individual to align his or her heart to the Spirit’s. It is not the “Holy Spirit taking hold of your tongue and making you speak nonsense”. It is a voluntary action like any other gift of the Spirit, and therefore the most intimidating because it yields to looking like an absolute fool. (This makes me suspect that many Christians are closet-tongue-speakers, not sharing the experience with anyone else; I wonder how many Baptist preachers are speaking in tongues to hear the Spirit and then refusing to tell their elders about it in fear of removal.)

I began praying in tongues at age 14, and it was a very private thing. I repeated the same phrase often. My youth pastor asked me shortly thereafter if I prayed in tongues and I told him “no” because I was afraid he would make me do it in front of him. He encouraged me that if I had been baptized into the Holy Spirit**, I can speak in Tongues. I share that because I believe many Christians (especially young) pray in tongues, only to be discouraged by fear, embarrassment, ridicule, or bad teaching, and lock it away. But you can, and you should.

There is not much else Tongues does than bring the individual joy, peace, faith, and comfort. This is why Paul considers it elementary; “I would have it that all you spake in tongues, but I wish more of you prophesied”—because Prophecy actually helps someone else. But how great is it to have joy, peace, faith and comfort in an instant!

Now it doesn’t matter how many articles, movies, or sermons ridicule the act of speaking in tongues—and there are a lot if you look. When I speak in tongues, my thoughts clear, my focus is tuned, my spirit yields to His spirit, my chest warms, my heart slows down, and I feel immediate peace. Of course, it’s nonsense. I know that. As much as I know, it is by faith that I walk, and by not sight. And I will live by nonsense, shouting tongues over my pain, fears, and anxiety and watch them disappear. And until Christ removes it from the Holy Bible, I will continue to do it.

For the Believer who desires to speak in tongues, or (receive any of the gifts of the Spirit), I encourage you first to pray and yield yourself to the Spirit of God. Ask Him to invade every facet of your life. Then, as you begin to hear nonsensical words in your mind, speak them out and let your tongue fly. It will, no doubt, be difficult at first, as your common-sense will rage against you. But we do not live by common-sense (naturally given by God) but by spiritual-sense (supernaturally given by God). Shut your mind off and listen to your heart. As I have walked countless people through this act, I have witnessed everyone of them feeling joy and peace in their heart immediately.

Interpretation of Tongues – the ability to hear an audible tongue given by someone else and hear it in your native tongue; meant to share with everyone present.

Each of these I have experienced personally, and each of these I have seen “fail”, only to see them occur in someone next to me. And the Holy Ghost will distribute them as He sees fit. Sometimes the Healing will come from your hands; other times, it will come from Johnny’s. And still other times, you will have the prophetic word, and Susan will interpret it.

I believe how we act in these moments, letting either pride or humility flourish in our hearts, will determine how the Spirit uses us next time. And because He refuses to work in the same manner twice, and instead uses each of us as a whole, He demands that all of the Church work together to get the entire picture. And that, I believe, is the root of all His devices; by holding back and distributing elsewhere, He requires the Church to stand together. The Enemy would have it we argue, fight, and divide ourselves; what greater thing would Satan want to divide us over than the very gifts Christ died to give us?

Humility. Righteousness. Faith. Boldness.

Act in these things.

*I emphasize the difference between Believer and Follower, because I see quite a difference in them. The former who merely believes, and goes about his day as usual; a life of sin, foolishness, doubt, and frivolous living. And the latter who follows to the ends of his understanding and then some; he who disappears himself, that Christ may be fulfilled until there is nothing left and only the Christ in him. There is no doubt some may exist lower than the Believer at the macro-level of Christianity. But the mere Believer I have found has become a frail individual and will be judged as such. Even the demons believe in Christ, but the Follower of Christ will become Him. Ironically, it is usually the Believer that sits closer at the table than the Follower, because the first shall be last and the last shall be first. The Believer wants everyone to know he believes the best; the Follower is content; quiet at the end of the table next the Holy Spirit, conversing about things that no one else wishes to understand.

**Baptism of the Holy Spirit. I do not believe this is something that magically happens when we are water-baptized. I believe it is an act of yielding completely to the Holy Spirit and can happen as early as Salvation or any moment later in a Believer’s Journey; therefore, I believe many Believers have been baptized into the Holy Spirit and are unaware. They cry out in worship, “set a fire in my soul” “more of You, less of me” “give me everything” “pour out Your spirit”, and He does. At which they fall into spontaneous emotion; crying, laughing, visions, overwhelming thoughts and ideas; and do not know what to do with it all until they learn to bolster it up in a box and leave it at the bottom of their souls.
July Musing

I recognize that I have acquired many new readers in the last month, so I will explain that monthly I review my personal journal, and in it search for nuggets or musings that I find provocative. Usually they inspire a full length article, or just as likely, they are standalone thoughts on God’s inspired Word. These are from the month of July.

There are hidden bits in my carnal soul that must be rooted out as well. I would love to get through Heaven’s gates with them still intact, but I know they, too, must die; the smallish amount of pride, bitterness, and ugly behaviour. For if this mustard seed of faith can move a mountain, surely a mustard seed of doubt can build one.

Christ tells us to listen to wise counsel, advice and wisdom from others; but He also pushes us to a state we do not enjoy and fewer people will understand.

The eloquence of speech is never the prerequisite to Heaven or Heaven’s ear; it is not by our flattering words we incline God’s ear, nor is it how we incline the unbeliever’s heart. By simple, foolish words, the Gospel draws men to repentance; not a show.

Prepare yourself to lead a quiet life; Chesterton reminded me yesterday how fame or notoriety can do little good, and usually just get in the way.

My goal is simple: lead a quiet life, mind my own business, and work with my hands. The world would have it that this way of life is selfish; they say it needs to be broader and more exuberant to reach further and “do” more. But I say, nay. Jesus knew how broad Rome was; but He focused on the 12. If I focus on my children, we will get to Rome later. And it may be the generations hence, i.e. Paul.

Changing the world has little to do with loud, moving, and flustered; especially anything to do with greed and manipulation.

Pride will be the end of us all.

It’s as though the more I loosen my grip on the desire for companionship, the more I receive it. As I searched for it, I could not find; As I searched for Christ, the more I found. But one can not learn this until they have experienced the feelings of absolute isolation.

I can feel lonely in a packed room; I can feel comforted in isolation. The difference is only Christ in me.

Living for the sake of living is not life; living for the sake of dying is. Earn your death.

I find such wholesome, honest, hard-working people in the country.

Obedience is God’s love language. If you love Him, you will obey. “Go to the other side of the lake”; “You feed them.” “Make disciples”. There’s no ‘why’ or ‘how’ explained. Only Do.
Desperate for Desperation

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5:3

This verse used to bother me a lot growing up. I had a strong “Word of Faith” upbringing and refused to accept the identity of Poor or Impoverished. What is it to be a pauper in spirit?

The Hebrew word ptōchos means a spirit that is begging and destitute of wealth. The state in which your spirit is an absolute vacuum, empty, formless, and hungry for something to fill it. That’s the spirit Christ chose to begin with in the Beatitudes; the one He runs to fill; a person who knows they need God more than anything on the face of the planet, and their spirit is starving for it.

All of us in this Western World live by “God helps those who help themselves”. And even those who refuse to acknowledge it, if they were really honest, would admit that they trust in themselves, their wealth and intelligence far more than they spiritually should. There is nothing biblical about “God helps those who help themselves”. God rolls his eyes at the man who thinks he can do it without Him, crosses His arms, leans back and says, “when you realize you are not god, I’ll be here waiting.”

God helps those who get over themselves and cry out for help.

There will never come a day when God stops chasing after you. He is waiting for us to get to the end of our spirit, the end of our personal abundance, and cry out for His; to that person, he comes to fill it; to the person who has lost all meaning, love and hope, He runs to them.

If a poor spirit is an empty vacuum, he wants to fill it. He wants to take the lost broken pieces of your heart and make a new delicate and glorious piece of pottery from them. He wants to take the piece that was thrown away and build a foundation on it. He wants to take the foolish things of the world and make leaders of them.

I long to be desperate. I’m not merely adamant; I am desperate for this desperation.

Yet I fear what it means to long for desperation, for I know what it requires. I am nearly as afraid of this as I am afraid of what it is to be without it. I hope the reader can understand this in their soul; desperation for God is the fear of Him; the longing for His absolute hand. And it is a fearful thing to fall into His hands. But I fear more of being absent from them.

There is something happening in my spirit that is further than I’ve ever gone before. And with it, a growing disturbance; that at the edge of this new thing, is the loss of everything that was once me—relationships, personality, dreams will all disappear and become subject to the Person of Christ. Thus, every couple weeks, I pull back and wind up back where I was; pitiful and selfish, lusting after the approval of men and women. But I believe the relapses are growing shorter and shorter still. Confidence replaces arrogance; truth replaces pride; discernment replaces bitterness; faith replaces fear.

I have spent a year with no understanding of my life’s meaning; tossed to and fro like a reed in the wind along the river bank. I have no idea what story God is creating anymore, because I have given up trying to force it. And it is this desperation that we must long for as Followers; that which Christ compels us to reach for; but we are so afraid.

This is why the love of money is the root of all evil. With money, I can decide where, how, why, and what my life will mean. I am in complete control with money; therefore, I am god of my life. But absent money, resources, ability, favor, talent, we are like the panting deer, wondering if today she will find food and water or be killed and eaten. Today, her life is utterly and terribly in the hands of her Creator.

I haven’t had a job or income for an entire year now. For six months, my family lived without any source of money, save God. And by the end of the period, we had ten times as much money in our savings than when I left my job.; miraculous and generous blessings that came from foreign and nonsensical sources, and always Desperation yielded such results. I have not the pride to act as though I did not curse God, shake my fist, and scream in agony for what He put me through.

But I know that I have put this upon myself; a lifetime of crying to God for Him to “find me, break me, put me back together, wash me, hold me in His arms forever.” I have cried such things, and was foolish enough to let Him. Now in the turmoil of a life in His hands, I live desperate for more Desperation. Oh, what a merry-go-round!

Three times in my life, I have felt absolute and definite misery. (Though, other moments I perhaps thought were far worse than they actually were.)

Once: when my parents told me they would divorce; here, I found myself at a pond, beating my face in with my fist and crying out to God. He heard me and came in the form of a church and friends that would give me a safe place to grow, learn, and worship for years to come while my parents were lacking.

Twice: when my son was intubated, squeezing my finger for life, and begging me to help him with his inaudible delicate eyes; here, I collapsed in a sunken puddle of faithless worry, the feeling of fraudulent faith heaping on my shoulders; too great to carry. God heard me and answered in the voice of my wife and friend: “by His stripes, our son is healed”; “did you think living a life of faith was going to be easy?”

Thrice: when my ministerial world was shattered after a lifetime of dedicating my ambition and time to it. I no longer felt I could trust anyone I followed or led alongside. Here, I was abandoned in a whirlwind of doubt and mountain of fear; thrown to the side and forgotten like discarded trash. But He was with me and held me in His arms. He sent those who could cry and listen and bless, and while nothing has made sense, our hearts have been full knowing that He sees us, is with us, and this was His will.

You must understand that my eyes cannot stay dry when writing such words, and I refuse to allow you to pity them. It is this pain and suffering that produces passion like a mother produces a child. It is through this, healed and saved by grace, that I can stand and declare the Truth of Jesus Christ. Places where most men and women fall and give-up on faith; these are the places I have deepened my understanding that Christ is far richer, fuller, and more powerful than my parents, child, or ministry. In Christ alone is fulfillment, and only until we understand this can we walk full of joy in the face of tribulation. Christ came to give joy in tribulation, not joy absent it.

Thrice these moments of absolute misery invaded my life that led to absolute Desperation. In the first, though long and arduous, my agony was short-felt, shrouded behind the absent-mindedness of adolescent life. In the second, my time in the hospital with Harvey was 26 days of Heaven and Hell duking it out before our eyes, and every day, Heaven prevailing; a constant and powerful testimony of truth and power. Hell, yes, was present, but only for the first half, until we understood fully what Christ was doing through our son’s life.

…But this third time; this desperate, confusing, holy, terrible, and despicable wildness that has surrounded my life for the last year has been long-suffering that I have never felt before.

My absolute moment of Desperation was sometime in November/December of 2022, when I lost faith in…everything. I left the house, eager to make a sliver of money Door-dashing, but was met by bumper-to-bumper traffic on the north end of Merritt Island; not one vehicle moved for 90 minutes. Here, the bubbling pain erupted; I had lost faith in myself, my wife, our purpose, my life, and wanted to give up on all of it. I was ready to end my life then and there if it would somehow provide for my family.

I screamed to God. I hadn’t lost faith in His presence, but I had lost faith in whatever the Hell He was doing with me. I screamed, begged, pleaded, and demanded He do something. I had sown my whole life into His hands. Given everything, and what’s more, put every bit of my future on the line. I had stood up for what I believed righteous and holy, and listened to Him, and walked away from the only job I ever loved; it wasn’t a job; it was my identity. And, God knows, that was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. I had made ministry and the praise or admonishment of others far greater than my identity as a Son of God. At first, when I left my job, it started out exciting and fulfilling; I experienced the presence of God and His will in it. But I would discover the roller-coaster had more valleys than mountains.

“I gave everything to You! I trusted You! Do something! Do something! Right now!” I screamed until I had nothing left in my lungs.

In that instant of crying out—(my God, it’s amazing how I can relive this feeling and moment in an instant and tears fill my eyes)—my friend Bryan called me. I looked at the phone and immediately declined it. I hadn’t the ability to act like I was “okay”, and that everything was great in my life, and assure him I had made the right choice walking away from ministry. I hadn’t the power to lie to him or myself again. So I declined his call and resolutely gave up on my prayer to God.

Eventually, I got out of traffic. I made my way back home after another thirty minutes and quietly went to sleep. Along with my inability to “fake happiness”, I hadn’t the ability to express my pain to my wife. So I slept.

The next morning, I poured out my soul to Carlia. I told her I doubted everything I had ever done. I told her I was afraid my purpose on earth was done and that I was meant to die. I told her I didn’t know how to provide for her and our children anymore and that I seriously considered ending my life to acquire a life-insurance policy for her.

(It’s funny, because even now, I’m weeping, not for sorrow, but joy. And my dogs run to my side to lick my face and assure me that everything is going to be alright.)

At the kitchen table in our previous home, my wife held my hand and told me she believed in me; and what’s more, in what God was doing in our lives. We decided to get out of the house, and all of us, even Maple (our dog and undoubtedly one of my best friends) to go hiking in Little Big Econ Forest. We packed up the car and left.

God found me again in those woods, and I remembered that all I ever loved or needed was His presence, my family, and a forest.

When we finished hiking and Carlia took the children to the bathroom, Bryan called me again. I had reacquired the ability to fake happiness for him, so I answered this time. He told me that Accounting had messed something up on last year’s W-2; I had an envelope with a Corrected W-2 waiting for me at the church. I would have to file my taxes again and perhaps would make $50 or so through it. I told him “thanks” and moved on with our day.

The following evening, I was preparing to leave the house, Door-dashing, when Carlia encouraged me to file the Corrected W-2; in her mind, if it made us $50, that was a night’s worth of Door-dashing, and enough reason to spend the night together. I conceded and went to work on the taxes while she prepared dinner. And then God shattered my world again.

Desperation is the spirit of a pauper, and Christ calls it blessed. We are blessed when we come to Him poor of ourselves and desperate for Him. I have lived a year without a job, now, and six months of that time my wife has been able to “flutter” at a job that she loves and fulfill a lifelong dream of her own—a dream, that she had given up on to let me lead as a pastor, and to mother our children. Our children have matured and grown in their understanding of real faith and joy, as they have seen and heard these stories and conversations as well. We have kept nothing of our pain and faith from our children, encouraging them to pray and believe, and thus, they have seen the moving hand of God in our lives. Desperation is the life panting after Christ, and without any of our own devices or means.

When I completed the adjusted taxes, it declared we had nearly $9,000 waiting for us from the IRS. Money that should have come to us eight months prior, but God held back for when we would need it most; in a time of Desperation, and crying out, He heard me and answered. “Do something”. And He did, long before I ever knew I needed it.

Now, the cynic will say that “God didn’t supply that, the IRS and a mistake did.” And I’ll say, “you’re a fool” and stop reading my words because it’s clearly going in one ear and out the other. Our God saw our end from our beginning and held the reins. And He still is. He gave us a way to live without a job for another six months. And that was only the beginning of His wild blessings.

I confidently declare that my moment of Desperation was the turning point in our dark season. From there, doors began opening and closing that we find hilarity in. And while I refuse, for now, to share the depths of such things, I can say that the difficulties have refused to end, and my pain and suffering is still very present; but greater than all these things is the Love, Presence, and Faithfulness of God and the fruit it produces in our lives.

We are healed, made perfect in the image of Christ and nothing can change that. A life of desperation is a life that lets loose of all assumption, expectation, and provision; it is a life that follows only Christ, and every day is both the adventure of life and death.

At one point in time, man lived like the animal; he worked with his hands, did his best to till and hunt, but ultimately relied on God to bring the rain, sunshine, and food he needed. He was okay dying at the age of thirty, because he knew he lived his lot for his Creator, just as the deer is fine with today being the beginning or the end. This Poor Spirit is desperately needed in the Church again, for boys to become real men and girls to become real women; no longer subject to our ability, money, or resources; but desperate and defeated apart from God.

I cry for Desperation in my life; yet I fear what it will produce in the short-term, on the path to the long-term beauty. God is not finished, and He will not be this side of Heaven. And all I can say to you through this—I encourage—I plead—I beg of you—get Desperate for God; uncomfortable with comfort; agitated by mediocrity; and long for holiness, righteousness, and God’s will to be done on earth as it is in Heaven. But prepare for the consequences of such a thing.

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5:3