It’s flabbergasting to me how diverse the reasoning people can give for wanting a divorce. I’ve counseled couples who caught their spouse in bed with another person, that, through forgiveness, led to a thriving, healthy marriage; a husband who had over a decade of porn-addiction leading him to even lusting after women he and his wife knew, but was set free by Christ and his wife’s forgiveness. Or a husband caught up in alcoholism, sleeping around and gambling—but his wife sought the Lord, prayed, and after a year, he found Jesus; they reconciled and have had an amazing marriage going 20+ years strong to the present.
Then, I counsel couples who already gave up in their hearts because they were tired, or “over it”, or scared of what might happen one day. A line of small offenses that they turned into a mountain over years of neglect and petty selfishness.
The biggest factor in either relationship surviving is the “want-to”. Do you want to fight for what you committed before the Lord? Or do you want to give up?
Christ loves you and will forgive you and stand with you always. But sin is never His will. It’s never His design. And breaking covenant is sin.
God permitted the allowance of divorce (because our hearts were hardened; Matthew 19:8) in response to sexual infidelity or an abusive, unsafe relationship. (However, even THOSE I’ve seen reconciled.) But divorce was never and will never be His plan or receive His blessing.
It’s like a person standing on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off. “Catch me, Lord! I know you always do!”
Or better yet, like a toddler about to grab the top of a hot stove. Yes, you will heal from your burns because God is a good and merciful Father. But it’s going to hurt, scar and keep you up all night in agony for many days, weeks and months to come. It’d be better to listen to your Father and stay away from the stovetop altogether. Don’t even play around with the notion of the “D-word”.
When we wed, my wife and I pulled our two dictionaries out (yes, we are old enough to have had a paper dictionary) and cut the word “divorce” out of them and lit them on fire. The word doesn’t exist for us. And it never will. If something is hard, no matter how excruciating, it has a solution. And it lies deeper in Jesus’ love and Word.
“Well,” you may say, “Keith, you haven’t experienced what I have.” I would chuckle and reply, “And you haven’t experienced what I have either.”
It doesn’t matter. It’s not about what I’ve felt or haven’t; it’s about what His Word promises and what He commands. Christ told us to forgive not seven times, but seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21). God commanded Hosea to marry a harlot. And when she left him, he went back again to marry her (Hosea 3:1). Christ calls us the Bride, and every day His bride cheats on Him with sin and infidelity; we even fornicate with Satan every time we merely lie! (John 8:44) Yet He looks away from the sin and loves us, anyway (Hebrews 8:12). There has never been a moment when Christ said, “I tried too many times, but at some point, I just have to take care of myself. I have to respect myself after all! They’re just never going to change.” Thank God!
He will not break covenant. And we should not either. It is sin.
God knew what He was doing when He commanded that we not divorce; it’s the severing of a whole person. Two became one; now you are tearing it in half; the soul-tie, the covenant—ripped to shreds. And though the two may be “alive”, just as Adam and Eve were still “alive” in the garden after eating the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil, God knew they were surely dead inside. It doesn’t matter how old or how young the marriage is; the effect of divorce will have its mark. And without the grace and healing of God, its lasting effects of bitterness, betrayal and hatred will linger for decades. I’ve counseled many over the years, who have even gone on to other marriages, but they never forgave themselves or their past spouse, and the bitterness seeps into everything they touch; without Christ’s forgiveness reigning in our hearts, we are lost. The divorce didn’t solve what was always the problem—our selfish hearts and refusal to submit to God. It just gave us what we immediately wanted without any sense of righteousness or discipline; like a hungry child who instead of listening to their mother and eating a proper meal, steals all the cookies from the jar and then wonders an hour later why they are sick to their stomach.
At times, it may feel hopeless in marriage because…we are human. And we sin. Your spouse has every ability to mess up, hurt you, and become a selfish twit. And you yourself may become selfish, led there by such innocent acts as a terrible day at work or a long hard year of learning someone you love betrayed you, or yada-yada-yada [insert whatever atrocious thing one deems as qualification for divorce].
But there is a way to make any relationship thrive. And it starts with Jesus. I can’t express enough how haphazardly, albeit impossible, any relationship without Him will succeed. If neither person knows the Lord, it’s a toss-up from the beginning—even at “I do” are the couple likely to end in demise. In the case of, I would much rather talk to you about His goodness and eternal love rather than your failing marriage.
But if one or both spouses know Jesus, and desire to mend a spluttering, dying marriage, then it comes down to them realizing they both have fallen short in some capacity (all of us fall short; Romans 3:23); both are responsible for the mess, (even if someone is more than the other). Then, both need to want to fight to make it right; both need to want to submit to God instead of their own selfish desires.
(I’ve seen it succeed with only one person as a Christian, rather than both; and/or one person wanting to fight for the marriage while one runs away—but MAN!—it’s an upward nearly impossible fight without the mercy of God intervening.)
Divorce is not a word for Christians to assume. This doesn’t mean we judge and look down on those who have divorced. It just means we push, drive on and challenge those who are considering it.
We stand at wedding ceremonies as witnesses, not so that we will stand by and let their marriage fall apart one day. The wedding is a covenant for everyone—two joining together before God, and the rest promising to keep them that way. Too many Christians just encourage each other with “Well, if you have to divorce, know that God will always be there for you.” What kind of iron sharpening is that?! May as well declare, “Well, if you have to go to Hell, know that God will always love you anyway.” (Unfortunately, that is how most “Christians” “evangelize”.)
I want to pull people from Hell, and telling them their sin is alright because it hurts so bad is weak discipleship. I’d much rather offend the person I love with the truth, than watch them regret the next twenty years of their life.
So, yes we forgive and love and edify anyone who has gone through the struggle and torment of divorce—because it is tormenting. No matter how much they wanted it or may celebrate it—it eats and eats away at their soul (the worm that does not lose its hunger; Mark 9:48). But no, we do not encourage any couple to go ahead and make the pain go away by getting a divorce and giving up. Christ doesn’t give up on His covenants; we don’t give up on ours.
All of this dialogue was spurred by some rough, recent news. But the subject is not new to me, nor foreign in this current climate. It’s of a season of giving up and refusing to repair. Everywhere you look and listen, people are declaring that they and you are not treated fairly and it’s all someone else’s fault. What an entitled civilization of whiners!
In reality, none of us deserve anything but Hell, and all of us are capable of the most atrocious acts known to man. We all put Christ on the cross; and His love forgave us at the same moment.
In response, the more we put ourselves at the bottom of our “needs” and “desires”—elevating Christ and those in our lives—the more fruit and satisfaction we will experience.
My marriage is healthy not because of compromise or “a 50/50 mentality”; but because of a Christ-central focus, our combined prayerful hearts, blunt and uncompromising honesty, and the commitment to always put the needs, dreams, and desires of each other over ourselves. I cry to my wife: “We will fight against such foolishness by always knowing we are capable of any sin without Christ at our center; and I will always strive to love myself least of all.”
